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Arkansas is just Kansas for pirates.
I’m not one to kink shame but I just found out my boyfriend has a new fetish for sleeping with other women.
9*picking his nose*
wife:Get your finger out of your nose!
me [alone in the bedroom] *takes finger out of nose* *whispers* How did she know?
“I took care of your clown problem.”
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
If you have a flip-phone, you are probably an undercover cop.
I would rather that you’d just paid some of my bills, but thanks for this combination rubik’s cube/pepper grinder.
Noah’s wife: r u joking right now?
Noah: my hands are tied babe
Noah’s Wife: but.. we’re married?
Noah: I’m sorry but he said 2 of each species
Noah’s mate Dave: [pushing past with an xbox] If only there was another way
This earthquake was the first time that I’ve ever said, “it was 4.7, but felt bigger.”
me: *drinks coffee with protein powder, does bicep curls, flexes fingers*
pickle jar: oh oh
Enthusiasm 1 – 0 Judgement
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
i hope you pull the covers up too fast and punch yourself in the face tonight.
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
Pretty sure my dog would make a shitty astronaut because space is a vacuum and those tend to scare him
Joseph: could you put the shopping away, there’s a fish & some bread on- oh no
*house is overflowing with fish & bread*
Jesus: i am so sorry
Love is that feeling you get when you meet that special someone who hates all of your friends.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
It’s National Compliment Day.
So here goes.*clears throat
Some of you are not so bad.
The Lord alone–not science–will determine how many chickens can fit inside my motorcycle sidecar.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
DOCTOR: congratulations, it’s a boy! *holds up baby tricycle*
BICYCLE DAD: what the hell?
BICYCLE MOM: *crying*
If I found out I had six months to live, I would get fat enough to shut down a water slide
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
ME: *walking through the park, minding my own business, carrying a small baggie full of poop*
YOU: Where’s your dog?
ME: Why do people keep asking me that?!
Got a new end table for the living room and no one has noticed but try to get rid of a toy my kids haven’t played with in five years and everyone notices