So baby Jesus grows up to be Santa or…
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KATY PERRY: Can I use a real tiger?
NFL: No way, that would be dumb.
KATY PERRY: Oh I’ll show you dumb.
GF: I’m sick of you pretending you’re a detective. We should split up
ME: Good idea. We can cover more ground that way.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me, flexing: what do you think?
Wife: just get a small carton
Great seizure this morning! We found 10 kg of c*****e in a statue. The 9kg of c*****e was weighed and bagged and, I can tell you, 7kg of c*****e took a fair few bags. We’ll hand the 4kg to the police after analysing the 2kg first. Well done Customs on finding the 300 grams!
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
If Domino’s was smart, they’d randomly call me asking if they should send over a pizza because the answer would always be yes.
….. so anyway, long story short, she said the name of the nail polish was Spank Me Pink and I told her that’s not even close to the right shade and she said prove it and this is why I’m not allowed within 100 feet of a Sephora.
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
me: [wearing a wire] ok i’m inside the drug dealer’s house
drug dealer: who are you talking to
me: [lowering my voice] he knows
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
Seize the day. Repossess the evening. Impound last week. Forcibly confiscate the entire month of September.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
My neighbor’s 13-month old only has four teeth. She’s way too young to being doing that much meth.
“Should I vomit at 1am or 3am? Maybe both.”
3.14159265358979WISH32384626433THIS832795028WAS8419716939937REAL51058PIE2097494AND45923078NOT16JUST40628MATH620899862BULLSHIT803482534211706
I’m in such a bad mood today, all I have to do is look at someone and they start apologizing.
JOHN MAYER: i wanna run through the halls of my high school
ME: i do not relate
JOHN MAYER: i wanna scream at the top of my lungs
ME: [nodding] ok now we’re talking
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
I just watched a YouTuber apology video where the lady played a ukulele and said “the only thing I ever groomed was my two Persian cats.”
“You’re acting weird.”
First of all, I’m not acting
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
I’ve been kicked out of my gym for dressing like the grim reaper and standing silently behind people on treadmills.
Don’t bring a knife to a gunfight. In fact don’t go to a gunfight, what is wrong with you
I will never sell out my integrity unless I am offered something for it.
For the low, low price of a $25 donation, you too can be totally annoyed by me for several days until you pay another $25 for me to shut up.
I accepted the Microsoft terms and conditions without reading them, and apparently I’m now responsible for hemming all of Bill Gates’ pants.
JK ROWLING: dumbledore and grindelwald had sex
ME: lol
JK ROWLING: so did you and dobby
ME: what
JK ROWLING: you will never feel love like that again
ME: stop
While I might feel unsure how to react, my middle finger is well versed in handling stupid people.