Take me to get something to eat. I’m too drunk to drive.
Officer: “I need you to step out of the car, ma’am.”
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djs are so lazy man. been listening to mixes all morning and they’re all using the same carbon monoxide alarm sample faintly in the background
Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
People think it’s funny when I tell them not to tickle me or I’ll pee. But they don’t laugh when the tickling has ended and the pee continues. “She’ll ruin all the furniture!” one cries. “Why is she still smiling?!” screams another.
New diet plan: murder all the skinny people.
I wish you’d told me you were happy just flirting on twitter. I’ve already bought plane tickets and murdered my wife.
I didn’t set my clocks back. I’m writing this from one hour in your future. We have jet packs.
Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…
Police – OPEN UP OR WE ARE COMING IN
Me- SOUNDS GREAT CAN YOU GRAB MY CHARGER FROM MY CAR
Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old’s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
going ballistic. anyone need anything?
9 yo: Mom, please don’t put cheese in my lunch today.
Me: Too late. Havarti packed it.
9 yo: MOM
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
The best part about shopping at Trader Joes is that the cashier reacts to every item they scan like you came up with it and grew it yourself
Reasons to have a landline phone:
1. To find your cell phone when it’s missing
2. See reason #1
the hottest people have the worst stomach problems
Removing the pots and pans quietly in the morning is the adult version of Operation.
You: Wow, check out that cool dog
Your friend who is also an algorithm: Do you want to buy a dog? View the top ten reasons dogs are better than cats. What is the nicest dog to get? See what veterinarians say. Dog breeders in your area
Billion dollar idea: Tea bags that are actually wine bags. Slogan: You already act like you’re God, now turn water into wine like Jesus!
FIND HIM IMMEDIATELY
If it sounds better in your head, leave it there.
On Amazon looking for a cat water fountain and 😂😂😂
BOSS: This is my second wife.
ME: Concurrent or consecutive?
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
[First day working in forensics]
Boss: I need you to dust for prints.
Me: Doesn’t Prince have his own cleaner. And didn’t he die 4 years ago?
Boss: No, you moron. Dust for fingerprints.
Me: Oh right, yeah. My bad.
Boss: Then I need you to vacuum for Sting.
Me: Wait, what?!
[party]
GUY: Let’s play a drinking game!
ME: Yahtzee!
GUY: That’s not a drinking game.
ME: Haha yeah right then what’s the cup for?
[everyone looks at each other]
ME: {holding stomach} What’s the cup for?
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.