Dear crush,
If there ever comes a day when you no longer find something to eat, I’m still here…
I mean, there’s food in my fridge 😏
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I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
Lois Lane unexpectedly comes to visit Clark Kent but he can’t find his glasses so he has to stick his face in a pie like Mrs. Doubtfire.
Well son, in the ’90s, there was no drooling emoji. You had to show up at a girl’s door and actually drool.
*forces square peg into round hole
Round hole: wrong hole.
My neighbor called me an old drunk which really offended me. I’m not that old…
DR: your daughter’s vision and hearing look good
ME: and?
DR. height and weight are both average for her age
ME: and?
DR: lungs sound clear, blood pressure’s normal
ME: aaaaaaand?
DR: you don’t have to cut the grapes in half anymore
ME: oh thank god
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
[before meditation]
I just wanna kill someone[after meditation]
and I know EXACTLY how
Her: Let’s play doctor.
Me: Ok. That’ll be $500.
50,000 retweets and our professor will let us get our medical degrees without taking our finals! I want to be a pediatric heart surgeon, let’s goooooooo
Swallowed a bunch of tiny figurines and gems before my colonoscopy, because my proctologist deserves a little mystery and wonder.
People always talk about having backup Singers and I’m like, why would I need two sewing machines?
I took sex ed in school. At no point did they point out that I wouldn’t have any
Roses are red,
Daisies are free.I’ll never forget you,
It burns when I pee.
When I’m behind a slow car I steer my car a little to the right so the people behind me can see it isn’t my fault.
I have a picture of my uncle standing on a tank he and two buddies destroyed in WWII. I cut my fingernails too short and I might stay home.
5: I’ll fix it when you say “sorry” fifty times
3: ok. sorry fifty times
My grandma used to tell me that video games were bad for me while she drank her gin in a cloud of unfiltered cigarette smoke in her home that was made solely out of asbestos.
Her: What’s with the dozen donuts?
Me: They’re for my meeting at work.
Her: Isn’t it a zoom meeting?
Me: And?
I’ve seen almost 400 kung-fu and wuxia movies over the past three years, so when I say I’ve never seen a fight like this before, it’s not hyperbole
(Drunken Dragon/Exciting Dragon – dir. Chiu Chung-Hing, 1985)
Attractive person: Hi.
Me: Is this some kind of sick joke?
graphic design students be like i have a alphabet due on friday
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
Carjacking does not mean what I thought but somehow I’m still arrested?
While you guys were wasting your time talking about politics I got banned from the Yahoo Answers ‘Horse’ section
6: daddy can u turn up the cold heat
Me: I…I’m not sure what to do
I’m more comfortable hearing my five-year-old repeat swear words in public than I am hearing him say “uh-oh!” from another room.
me at 15: i can’t wait to go to college and PARTY!!
me at 20: ok so listen. there’s a new grocery store and GET THIS. i got a mango for 56 cents
Police officer: Have you had anything to drink?
Me:No
PO:Ok, blow into here
Me:But there are no candles
PO:Ma’am please get out of the car