furnishing my new place and can’t pick what dining table or chairs I want. All I know is that my nachosaurus is on the way and needs somewhere to stand.
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Me: I have a toothache.
WebMD: Your molars will eventually eat your brain.
With the likelihood of insects being a big part of our future diets, it’s only a matter of time before McDonald’s servers are asking if we want flies with that.
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
In Flo-Rida’s song “Low” he states that Shawty is wearing the apple bottom jeans, the boots with the fur AND the Reeboks with the straps, what is she some kind of four legged morph woman? In all honesty I’m not surprised the whole club is looking at her
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*
They got Raph!
Called it
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
When tragedy strikes your community, McDonald’s will still be there to take your money.
When you decorate your whole house for Christmas, what you’re really saying is “I’m not going to dust for at least a month.”
Maybe she was just being paranoid, but Wendy couldn’t help feeling that she was being monitored.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?
New York: The city that never sleeps.
Berlin: The city that never sleeps until Sunday.
Paris: The city that never sleeps alone.
Wasps: bees, but not helping
Thank God for butter because without butter all butterflies would be just flies and that sounds terrible.
[me as a magician]
ME: *pulls rabbit from hat*
AUDIENCE: ooohhh!
ME: *pulls knife from hat*
AUDIENCE: OOOHHH!!!
ME: *pulls sautée pan from hat*
AUDIENCE: NNOOOOOO
Me: A problem shared is half solved.
Invigilator: sit in the front.
boss: i never got ur email
me: [forgot to send] that’s so weird i’ll resend it now
[gains weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
[loses weight] ugh clothes don’t fit
Just had the good fortune of seeing an ad for a website which is currently offering a 10% discount on some of its products and/or services. Thought I’d mention it in case anyone’s looking for some great bargains 👍.
{Signing up for anything}
THEM: And what is the best way to contact you?
ME: The best way?
THEM: Yes, the way you prefer.
ME: Oh then the way I prefer is that you do not contact me.
Bone Doctor: Make 3 changes to your diet. Up calories…protein…and foods high in calcium.
Me: *eyes light up* So cheese, cheese and cheese!
*runs into a burning building to save the fire*
My Brother-in-law taught my 2 year-old neice to say ‘yaaaas Queen’ and now it’s the only thing she says
Done your breakfast? “Yaaas queen”
Nap time? “Yaaas Queen”
Did you just poop your pants?
“YAAAAS QUEEN”
The next time you hear a celebrity saying, “we’ll get through this together,” send them your electric bill with a thank you note.
It’s a new year and a new me. I’d like to buy you all a drink. Waitress! One small Coke and 10,000 straws.