I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
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Following Facebook saga of a missing cat. The husband rang his wife to say he’d found it but it was hissing at him and fighting with their other cats. When wife got home the cat he’d found was a different colour, size and sex to the missing cat. He’d kidnapped someone else’s cat.
*sees melted chocolate swirling in tv ad*
ooooh yeah
*raisins fall into the chocolate in slo mo*
nooooo
*punches hole in wall*
You can’t fix everything, you’re not a giant asteroid.
I love how you changed “Conclusions” to “Learnings” in my PowerPoint. Any other made-up words I should add?
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
If the kids can’t find something I say “I think it’s in the car” then I sit in the car for 10 minutes on my own pretending to look for it
Parent level: expert
FUN GAME: Ride a bicycle with an empty baby seat on the back down a busy street whilst loudly saying “You’re being VERY well behaved.”
[interview]
“Any special talents?”
I can unlock any fingerprint reader
“By hacking?”
[flashes back to hacking off victims’ fingers] Yes
Henchman: boss I need to take Thursday and Friday off
Mob Boss: ok but please have all your crimes done by Wednesday end of day
Marty: I know you want a sandwich Doc but this is crazy
Doc Brown: a loaf of bread only cost 18 cents in 1955 Marty, we have to go back
Marty: it’s just bread
Doc Brown: it’s only 18 cents, come ogle your mother
Marty: what?
Doc Brown: what, what?
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
Losing a loved one during the holidays is tough. My dad died during Toyotathon
Hang on, dude in the stall next to me has a Spanish soap opera on. I have to find out if this chick’s pregnant.
What idiot called it a national anthem instead of country music?
Britney Spears’ Slave 4 U is trending on Christmas Eve just like it did that magical night in Bethlehem thousands of years ago. God bless everyone.
Karma said if you keep calling her a bitch she’s going to show you what a bitch really is.
My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
Welcome to your 40s: that “teenager”over there is actually 27.
When I tickle my imaginary friend, people think Im casting spells
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
My… My daughters built a slug hospital and found 30+ “patients” who are now escaping and nothing in the parenting books prepared me for this.
Why yes, Autocorrect, I AM driving to work in a horse-drawn cabbage.
Back away slowly from the uncaffeinated woman.
Attention: Due to inflation, people like you are now a dime and a nickel a dozen.
I been hollering for the past 10 minutes 😂😂😂
Maybe it’s time for a second child. The first one isn’t getting as many likes on Facebook now.
6: What are you making? It smells terrible!
Me: *literally just boiling water*
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.