so apparently it’s still a dui even if youre the birthday boy
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I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.
Lasers were once the biggest scientific breakthrough in history, but now we use them to play with cats.
My wife has hidden my new lion tamer outfit because apparently I’m “just being stupid”.
Well she’ll be the one who looks stupid once our new lion arrives.
[getting out of prison after 10 years]
GUARD: *handing me a paper bag* here are ur things
ME: did none of u monsters feed my tamagotchi
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Before kids: Why would anyone need a 24 pack of paper towels?!
After kids: Oh.
No man left behind.
No stone left unturned.
No donut left uneaten.
If a 99lb girl eats a 1lb plate of nachos is she technically 1% nachos? I think I’m on to something…
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
chickens lay eggs every day right? so is that why we eat eggs? so chickens don’t take over the world?
Just saw a bumper sticker that said “supprt your local beaver” or maybe it said “support your local brewer” either way it’s sound advice.
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
Batman: “Shall we watch a film?”
Superman: “Have you got Cape Fear?”
Batman: “Only in revolving doors. Now, a film?”
Fun fact, the American alligator (Alligator mississippiensis) has enough bones in its body to make up an entire alligator skeleton.
Between hating pork and launching themselves into enemy structures, Al Qaeda were the original Angry Birds.
If you mean sleeping all day and only speaking to demand meals then yes, my teen has cat-like reflexes
At work, I secretly make decaf coffee in the regular pot to keep all of my coworkers working at my pace.
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
Prom tip: DON’T HAVE A BABY
If we’re ever drunk together and I say “trust me, this will be fun”, run faster than me or have bail money ready.
[1999]
“y2k” making us anxious
[2019]
“k” making us anxious
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.
Let he who is without stone come down to Steve’s Stone Supply, Exit 13A off the NJ Turnpike.
A tanning bed is a panini grill for people.
The shower scene from Psycho, but instead of a knife, Norman Bates is wielding a ferocious Chihuahua
I don’t know why they call this a house cat he doesn’t even like techno.