Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
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She thinks she funny #IfMyFriendsTitledMyLifeStory
every day of my adult life I am grateful that I had only limited ways to put my ideas on the internet as a young person
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
CDC: To prevent coronavirus stay home, avoid physical contact and don’t go into large crowds.
Introverts: I’ve been preparing for this moment my entire life.
Him: you’d look better if you took your glasses off
Me: no I’ve tried that and I just look blurry
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
*knocks over a huge display at the grocery store*
(raises arms in the air)
Ta-da!
Son: I thought about asking if you wanted a Klondike bar at 2 am.
Me: Why didn’t you ask?
S: I heard you snoring and didn’t want to wake you.
M: You can wake me any time, especially if it’s about ice cream.10 minutes later:
Me: So… I snore??
My wife traumatically ripped the blankets off me last night. But I will recover.
That took me a moment.
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
if u ever feel insecure just remember that there is at least one couple where your name is a sensitive topic. kinda sexy of you to be that important
I like to test the waters by pushing people in.
Took me thirty five minutes to tighten the screw in my glasses because I didn’t have my glasses on.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
My morning commute was hectic today. I tripped over a dog toy and almost spilled my coffee. I made it to the couch safely though.
me: what kind of plane do you fly?
pilot: private.
me: it’s ok i won’t tell anyone.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
[The Last Airbender, nervous on a date]
*breaks wind*
Ope, excuse me. I’m a little out of my element here.
Me: [walking into Maternity Ward with my teenagers]: WHAT IS YOUR RETURN POLICY
Divorce… The most common home improvement project.
All of my other appliances think the air fryer is an overachiever. Even the food processor and the blender are bonding over this, and they’ve been enemies for years.
Does a sunset actually happen if someone doesn’t take a picture of it and post it on Instagram?
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
My organization style can be best described as “just don’t look in that room.”
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.