How deep is your love?
Please show all work.
You Might Also Like
If Spotify has taught me anything, it’s that I don’t know the correct lyrics to any of my favourite songs.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship
It’s not the holidays until I see two minivans with red noses lock antlers over a parking space at Target.
If a turkey got murdered, the chalk outline would look like a giant preschooler’s hand.
New rule: advertisements can no longer use adjectives.
I’ll decide what is “fresh” and “natural” and “like a real girl” thank you very much
Unexplainable things:
1) Stonehenge
2) ESP
3) How my car insurance company can magically lower my renewal cost when I threaten to leave them
*watching soccer*
Me: I would simply use my hands and carry the ball to the opponents goal.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
Bi women make the best comedians because we can never keep a straight face.
Thanks for following
Billy Joel’s Friend: bill i hate that we’ve kept this from you, but.. we started the fire
Billy Joel: and you just LET me write that song?
sometimes, late at night, i’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
A recent study states that people should only shower every 3-4 days. “Stop being an idiot,” said one wife who lives in my house.
Fast and Furious 75: Tricked out motorized scooter racing in the assisted living bingo hall.
*my obituary*
Here lies Sarah. She died of starvation after surrendering countless snacks to her “not hungry” children.
Househunters, but for birds
Bird 1: I’m looking for a spacious nest. Preferably made with shed mammal fur. Open concept.
Bird 2: & I’d really love a nest without snakes so our eggs won’t get eaten. Plus granite countertops
Bird 1: Our budget is a piece of tinfoil & a stick
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
Welp, I just ran my car off the road. I was doing the “We Will Rock You” beat with my hands and forgot I don’t have a self-driving car
5 yo me: Throw my ducky in the bath
15 yo me: Throw on some tunes while im in the bath
30 yo me: Throw the toaster in while im in the bath
not to brag but once I was flirting with this girl and a day later she got back with her ex
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
Don’t buy Colgate whitening toothpaste!!
Label reads: Guaranteed whiteness in only 14 days…
15 days later and I’m still black.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
What’s faster than the speed of light?
A female untagging herself from an unflattering photo.
Got attacked by a pigeon this morning and accidentally won a 5k road race.
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
My super power is buying movies on Amazon the week before they’re free on Netflix
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*