what machine says: do not remove card
what I read: remove card
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M: The boss left a memo on my desk again about how awesome I am.
H: You’re a stay-at-home mom.
M: Yes, which explains my handwriting.
What idiot decided to call it gonorrhea instead of hot sausage?
40-26-36.
My measurements?
Naw.
Just the three Chinese meal entrees I’m ordering.
Do angry tweeters know about prune juice?
[reading dinosaur book]
8YR OLD: that’s a pterodactyl
ME: actually sweetie, it’s a pteranodon…pterodactyl is a pterosaur genus
8: how did you ever get laid?
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
No one is more productive than a guy who’s been laying on the couch for two hours and suddenly realizes his wife will be home in 5 minutes.
I hung out with a guy the other night and he said “all my friends know you as the girl I tease constantly” and I responded “oh shit that’s crazy my friends don’t know about you at all”
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
scenes of unspeakable carnage
There’s three baby skunks on our porch eating leftover macaroni and cheese and I’ve never felt more a part of a team.
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
Just had a 10 minute argument about the importance wearing pants in public with a 5yo
She won, today I wear pants when I take her to school
This day in history. 2001. Holland legalized assisted suicide for those with terminal illnesses or “It’s a Small World” stuck in their head.
WIFE: What’re the kids doing?
ME: Playing lawn darts.
W: Is it safe?
M: Hope not.
W:
M:
W: Wtf
M: Can’t afford to send both to college, Jen
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
“I like your tree’s earring.”
“That’s a tire swing.”
The news keeps talking about how someone is in a “very uncomfortable space”. And in my mind I keep yelling back, “WHAT, LIKE THE BACK OF A VOLKSWAGEN?”.
HER: I’ve never known someone to google things during sex
ME: we learned a lot though
HER: you screamed “ostriches are faster than horses”
I know this is only our second date, but can I use your bathroom real quick?
Her: Of course…
*walks out 26 minutes later*
Thanks.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
[in class]
Me: hey, can I borrow a pen?
Guy: sure, black or blue?
Me [sweating & swelling up]: you got one for bee stings?
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.
I’m going to change the Wi-Fi password as soon as I hear someone complain they’re bored this summer
I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house