Motion detecting home security camera working well!
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[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
If you love someone just tell them. Or get drunk and text them 75 times, that’s practically the same thing.
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
As we start gaining speed in the bobsled, I realize it was a mistake to bullshit my way into this.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
This a good idea
Day 14 of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant and sometimes in this line of work you have to tell a couple of white lies
How long can a guy stare at you at the urinal before things get creepy…because it’s been two minutes and this dude refuses to make eye contact with me.
Told a girl she’s more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses and she said I’m also more attractive when she’s not wearing glasses.
Lasagna asks the question, “what if pasta were a book”
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
I’d be so pissed if my coworker left for American Idol and I had to cover for them plus act happy.
My safe word is “I WANT YOUR BABIES”
ME: these gummy bears are delicious
WIFE: those are daily vitamins
ME: *holding the couch over my head with one arm* I can’t find the remote
Jenga, but it’s just me, pulling salad out of my sandwich.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
if y’all catch me barking while my dog is sleeping, mind your business i’m teaching her a lesson
My husband decided to surprise us by coming home a day early from his business trip.
The real surprise was how quickly we made it look like we didn’t just eat, drink & binge-watch every show in his absence.
I dream of writing a fat woman’s cookbook. I’ll call it, “50 Shades of Gravy.”
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
true friends will unglue your lips from your leg when DIY waxing goes terribly wrong
Doctor 1: burrowing mites under the skin is pretty gross, but how do we make it sound even grosser?
Doctor 2: let’s call it scabies
Doctor 1: YES!! done
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
“I’m dreaming about mashed potatoes”
Oh because Thanksgiving is tomorrow
“No, just a normal mashed potato dream like usual”
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”