My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
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I’ve read that ‘all over-50s will be vaccinated by Easter’ so many times now, I’m almost tempted to look up when Easter actually is.
Deep thought: When turkey police draw chalk outlines around the body do they notice how much it looks like a human hand?
Becoming a man doesn’t happen the first time you fight or make love. It happens the first time you see the gas bill and remind everyone that we aren’t trying to heat the outside.
All my tattoos pretty much mean the same thing. I had money to blow.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
There should be a “Life of Pi” TV show, where they throw a different D-list celebrity in a boat with a tiger every week.
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
if i was a character in a horror movie and something supernatural was happening i wouldn’t be scared because that stuff isn’t real
<——-Wants the burger
<——-Needs the salad
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
One time my teacher was telling a story about war and the girl in front of me slowly opened her laptop and liked Downy on Facebook.
For $100 I will FaceTime you in scrubs on Thanksgiving and pretend to be your boyfriend that couldn’t make it because he had to work in the hospital
Ways I am superior to ducks:
1. I can buy my own bread. Don’t need handouts
2. Lower likelihood of a fox eating me and my family
3. Better Penmanship
4. Have my own bank account (I know Scrooge McDuck had a bank account but he was fictional. I’m talking about real ducks ONLY)
Tried to pull up my long sleeve but my fingers slipped and I punched myself in the chest. My husband really hit the jackpot.
*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
He said it’s canoodle night later, and I thought great, I love lasagna.
A haunted house but it’s just me walking from room to room to see the mass destruction that occurred when I left my kids alone for 5 min to take a shower.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
The very existence of a flying mammal is intrinsically insulting to a flightless bird. Hence the huge animosity involved in The Penguin vs Batman.
“I’ve risen from the ashes many times” – Guy who gets drunk and falls into fireplaces.
My hot neighbor said hi to me but not my girlfriend. This shouldn’t be a problem at all
Pro: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
Con: My 9-year-old packed her own suitcase.
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
Best mom ever 😂
Ask a man if he’s critiquing your work…
Men Who Are Dating say: No, & compliment you.
Single Men say: Yes
Married Men: Try to hide