Alfred: I’ve completed engineering on the new batmobile radar unit
Batman: That’s great and did the dishes do themselves?
Alfred: no sir
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Nothing’s sadder than the look on my dog’s face when I reach under the kitchen table to pet her and she realizes my hand is empty.
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Coward (adv.): in the direction of the cows
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
The bad news is we need to downsize on people named Jeremy, so you’re fired.
WHAT WAS THE GOOD NEWS?
India’s tiger population is up 30%!
If I were a wrestler, my fighting name would be Pain Austen.
Billionaires: Don’t call us “billionaires” call us “people of means” also this hot tub water’s getting a bit too warm why are you adding carrots and potatoes
he looks great for his age
Working from home is fun because a tiny version of myself is dancing in their underwear next to me as I try to maintain a straight face during a meeting
“You could have done so much better than him.”
Me: Mom, I’m right here.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
Nutritionalist: you should eat 2,000 calories a day
Me: ok, how many at night?
The cool thing about driving 15 mph in a school zone is that it makes it so much easier to text.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
This is my main handbag, and this is the handbag I have to fit everything that doesn’t fit in my main handbag
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
We went to a museum and I fell in love with my kids all over again after seeing an obnoxious exhibit called other kids
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
“My Ex is amazing in all ways. My Ex is smarter, more successful, and more attractive than I am.”
– bumper sticker I put on my Ex’s car
GOD: did u eat from the tree of knowledge?
ADAM: no…it was my girlfriend
GOD: who?
ADAM: u don’t know her she goes to a different school
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
GOD: I call those trees and plants
ANGEL: very beautiful
GOD: ya I’m gonna make some people allergic to them
ANGEL: dude who hurt you
Doctor: I’m afraid you’re dying
Me: And there’s no cure?
Doctor: Yes just cut out pizza and chocolate
Me: I can’t believe there’s no cure
Good morning babe! Do you like good girls? [Starts making you breakfast] or bad girls [burns the toast]
Him: How did you get in my house?
Brb my Sims are getting married
Made the mistake of telling my work wife about my Twitter crush. Long story short, the judge awarded her half the snacks in my desk and my good stapler.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
I’m just going to say it: I don’t think Arkham Asylum has good security.