“You’re a nice guy”
One time I took a bite of my friends corn dog during lunch in elementary school and blamed it on someone else. So, I beg to differ
You Might Also Like
Mugger: give me everything you’ve got.
Me: *deep breath* AT FIRST I WAS AFRAID I WAS PETRIFIED
Nigella has gone too far this time.
8 yo: “Mommy, what did you want to be when you grew up?”
Me: “Not this tired.”
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
“yer a magician, harry” hagrid said to hary houdini when he graduted magic academy
this chicken opens the door to using harder, more dangerous chickens
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Wife: Let me do the talking
Cop: No, I’ll do the talking
Me: Why is your wife even with you
Cop: There you go, I said this would happen
“Man, people have a lot of free time on their hands,” says my husband, standing idly by our window for several minutes staring at everyone attending our neighbor’s garage sale.
*Googles Yahoo*
Google: Wow. I’m right here
an emergency cyanide capsule to bite when someone’s about to explain bitcoin
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
felt that
I dreamt there was a program called “tigers in tiaras” and you know what?
I’d watch that
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
Parenting through the years:
1st kid: Organic food only
2nd kid: “McDonald’s once in a while isn’t so bad.”
3rd kid: “Did he just eat dog food? I’m sure he’s fine.”
Some early signs you’re growing up:
1. Checking expiration dates
2. Reading before signing
3. Preemptive pee before going anywhere
I once had a boyfriend cheat on me with my best friend but that pales in comparison to the betrayal I feel when an Amazon ‘Get it by tomorrow’ order arrives two days late
[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
I just realized how long ago 2008 was, and I’ve decided I don’t like time any more
*Me as a detective*
Me: Who’s the victim?
Cop:
M: Who is it?
C: No jokes please, promise?
M: Ok, promise.
C: A tarot reader.
M:
C:
M: Well, I guess a long life for her..
C: Please don’t.
M: ..just wasn’t in the cards.
Doctor: Have you noticed any differences since you’ve started the medication?
Me:…I rap a lot less.
Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
The ocean is over seasoned. Too salty. Zero stars.
i actually took my measurements before ordering jeans instead of just guessing which size i should get and i just tried them on and they fit. has anyone else ever heard of this.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
Behemoth?
No. Hebebutterfly.
{my first day as an art critic}
this painting tastes like shit
“Sleep is for the dead”. Yeah cos you look so alive when you’re yawning. #stupidsayings
The distorted faces and primal noises I made during labor do not even touch my husband’s performance when he’s in the throes of a toe cramp.