Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 馃檨
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Kid: Why does the tooth fairy want my teeth?
Me: She eats them to strengthen her bony exoskeleton. She must be fed regularly, or she will kill
The best thing about having siblings is roping them into Schemes
Looks like someone鈥檚 been slipping steroids into Garfield鈥檚 lasagna again.
Yup.
Oh my God. Where are you?
Car keys: LMFAO
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
Saving up ketchup packets in the fridge so I can one day open my own restaurant
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
Please stop asking me what my tweets mean. I can鈥檛 read.
Birds do it & no one bats an eye. One time I shit on a windshield & suddenly it’s arrests & psych evaluations.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
To me the greatest mystery of scooby doo was whether scooby snacks were human food they fed to scooby or dog food they fed to shaggy
My boss called in sick of me
[slipping DJ $20] my good sir would you turn it down a skooch
Kilauea volcano is 100,000 yrs old and is active
I鈥檓 48 and I missed my show because the remote was on the other sofa
[date gets back from the bathroom]
those batman toys in the tub are so cute! How old are your kids?
“kids?”
Always the sasquatch in chains in the back of a pick up truck, never the bride.
[eulogy]
My dear wife spent her life turning up the thermostat. I think she would have been thrilled that I had her cremated.
Sociophobia is the fear of friends.
Sociophoebea is the fear of just the ditzy one.
*Leaving my kids and husband at home for the day*
Me: I鈥檒l see you guys later. [waves]
Dirty laundry & dishes: [waves back]
Being fat is when you watch Jurassic Park and wonder if dinosaur tastes good.
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon
*bursts into English convention*
GRAB ALL THE STUFF YOU CAME WITH THE BUILDING’S ON FIRE
*crickets*
Christ. THE STUFF WITH WHICH YOU CAME
Types of Amazon reviews:
9,700 people: 5/5 stars. great toaster for the price!
283 people: 3/5 stars. decent toaster but can get stuck
5 people: 1/5 stars. awful quality, I ran it over with my truck and it broke
1 person: 0/5 stars. useless, I was trying to buy a blender
Stomach: Every time you eat, we get sick.
Brain: Hmm. I know what would make us feel better.
Stomach: No-
Brain: TAQUITOS!
Me: Yay TAQUITOS!
I was very disappointed when I found out drinking alcohol doesn’t actually kill brain cells, I was hoping to join a political party one day.
Skipping is exercise鈥hat鈥檚 why I鈥檓 always skipping the gym.
[emergency room]
NURSE: It seems you’ve swallowed an abacus?
ME: She told me it’s what’s on the inside that counts
WIFE: I hate you
Joining Twitter instead of the circus was a pretty good move considering I’m a freak but not that talented