*seductively eats two tums*
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Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
ER Nurse: Let me get this straight. You microwaved your food for too long and burned the inside of your mouth?
Me (mouthful of bandaids): Yesh.
Her: ‘Are you listening to a word I’m saying?!’
Me: ‘Sounds like a plan.’
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
Gurl are you Quantum Mechanics ’cause you got 10 different interpretations of everything, none of which fully corresponds with reality.
I can’t believe Halloween was 10 pounds ago.
When I die I want to be dressed like a scuba diver and placed on top of Mount Everest to confuse the climbers
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
ME: how do you stop yourself from falling all the way to China?
GHOST: I can’t do this anymore. I’m going to haunt a different house.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
If you ever see me driving slow it’s because I just dropped whatever I was eating.
Oh you’re single? Awesome, we should probably let your wife know.
FRIEND 1: wanna see a pic of my cat
ME: yes!
FRIEND 2: wanna see a pic of my bird
ME: yes!
FRIEND 3: wanna see a pic of my dog
ME: omg yes!
FRIEND 4: wanna see a pic of my baby
ME: ugh fine
12yo: can I play video games?
Me: no, come chat with me
12yo: ok what’s corp? The boys were talking about “corn with a p” at school
Me: go play video games
My dad and I both have a gift for figuring out who the villain is in super hero movies we’ve already watched
I’m not stressed
if you wear camouflage on house hunters, the houses will never see you coming
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
Patient: I think my problem is imposter syndrome.
Me: [sweating] I assure you I’m a fully licensed psychologist. Or psychiatrist. Which is the one that prescribes meds?
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
[First date]
Her: I love to travel.
Me: *stands up with basketball* I don’t think this is gonna work.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
[heaven]
darwin: *looking down*
angel: what’s going on?
darwin: watch this
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
This selfie angle isn’t to make me look thin, it’s so you can check me for lice
[having helped prep some pistachios while my wife spends two hours putting together the rest of the meal] How about those nuts, huh? You can really taste the deshelling
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
Why call it a sleeping pill rather than bedicine?