We can play Yahtzee again.
-You fixed the broken dice?
Yeah. And they’ll never break again.
-How do you know?
*grins*
Die mends are forever.
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I shaved my legs.
Well except for those three knee hairs I always miss.Looking good Larry, Daryl and Daryl.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone here a doctor?!
Me: *shoving my way to the front* no
“why are you being so quiet?” bc I wasn’t listening the first half of the conversation and now I have no idea wtf is going on
If you don’t believe nature abhors a vacuum, you should see how my dog reacts to the Roomba.
*eats an unpatriotic amount of pasta*
when I was little, I drugged the milk to catch Santa. Next morning I found my dad passed out on the stairs. Well played Santa..
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
I don’t remember my password, so I’ll just start my hundredth new account.
-Everyone’s mom
I have a lot of disdain for anyone in the top 1% who hasn’t become Batman.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Kid: *falls down*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *runs into table*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *ball hits them in face*
Me: You’re fine.
Kid: *drops phone*
Me: OMG, did you break it?!
My son is happy I’m staying off twitter until he goes to bed so as to spend more time with him.
He is not happy with his new 6pm bedtime
I’ve never considered myself a social butterfly. More like a social wasp. People run away a lot.
itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself itself….
-history
According to this frozen pizza box I’m a family of 4
*gets down on one knee*
Wow, you really suck. Why can’t you be more like the other knee?
If I were a ghost, I’d spell “antidisestablishmentarianism” on the Ouija board just to waste those idiots’ time.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
Putting carrot sticks in the break room next to the cake is considered work place violence, Jim. Security will see you out.
[Microsoft Outlook developer meeting]
“we need to tell users when their inbox is full”
how do we do that?
“we send them another email”
nice
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
Basically, our plans for the satanic ritual fell through, because we couldn’t agree on whose turn it was to get the goat.
[me, realizing I have a muffin top] oh no, I look delicious
Him: My tummy feels crummy.
Me: Too much rummy, dummy.
Moms that name their daughters Stacy are the real narcissists.
CAT 911: What’s your emer-
CAT: THE PERSON PET ME
CAT 911: What were you doing?
CAT: SLEEPING
CAT 911: I HATE PEOPLE
CAT: I HATE PEOPLE
Please let it be chicken..please let it be chicken
Turns out if you speak with an English accent during an interview it’s expected that you’ll continue to speak w/accent after you’re hired
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father