*throws a rock at a bird*
Me [writing in “science” journal]: birds don’t like rocks.
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Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
When she jokingly asks “You’re not a serial killer, are you?”
It is NOT okay to jokingly say, “Well, you’d be my first!” in response.
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
If you’re a guy and your profile picture has a photo clicked of yourself in front of a mirror,
OH GOD WHY?!?
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
EMERGENCY!!! THERE’S A NEW ONE!!!!!
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
According to my scales, there could be four wolves inside of me.
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
Her: Dude all your selfies look the same.
Me: That’s because it’s me in all of them.
My wife and I toss a coin to settle arguments; heads she wins, tails I apologise.
Did you hear about the armored car guard who was really surprised to get fired?
He thought he had job security…
inventing words: clothing
Me: When do we get to solve mysteries and explore haunted houses?
Gang member: *cocks gun*
Me: Ohhhh, this is a murder gang.
A boomerang is just a frisbee for loners.
Me: My dog ran away two days ago
Dog pound: Does he have a tag?
Me [covers phone to ask wife]: Is the dog on Instagram?
landlord put a coin-op pay box on the laundry a month into our stay so I’m looking up the manufacturer and buying a replacement key for it to steal my quarters back.
Me: We need some ham.
Her: I just bought a pound of ham yesterday.
Me: Are you going to judge me, or are you going to buy some ham?
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
My graphics card. The graphics.
card I need to
play Tekken 8
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
4yo just referred to me as “your kid” on a call with my parents so now I need to find out why I’m in trouble
The way to a man’s heart is thru his stomach. At least that’s what the crazy woman with the butcher knife kept saying at the murder scene.
spin the bottle, except you have to murder the person it lands on
her: this is a baby shower
Me: kill me now!
Murderer, from behind curtain: i was going to surprise you
Bought a 2nd cell phone to leave on the coffee table as a decoy when I go tweet in the bathroom.
4yo: can you get this open for me?
Me: oomph this is kinda tough
4yo: use your claws
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now