Ask someone how they’re doing & they’ll say fine. Share with them a random health issue & wait for the 20 min dissertation on their ailment.
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Me: How much does this crate of Chinese dumplings weigh?
Guy: One ton
Me: I know what they’re called, I’m asking if they’re heavy
if a doctor ever tried to hit *my* knee with a tiny hammer? hoo boy… all i’m sayin is, it’s a good thing they already live at the hospital
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
Gloria Gaynor: Go on now, go! Walk out the door! Just turn around now because you’re not welcome anymore
Hotel California manager: Gloria, a word
My grandma got her bathroom redone with this sparkly gold-specked tile and she just called it her “golden shower” so goodnight.
This kid will have a bright future.
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Them: oh I was just talking about you!
Me, jokingly: nothing bad I hope? Ha ha
Them:
Me: oh
God: you’re a roly poly bug.
Roly Poly: what does that mean?
God: you roll up in a ball and kind of poly around.
Roly Poly: I’m sorry what?
God: you roll up in a ball [grabs knees and curls up in a ball].
Roly Poly:
God: [rolls around on the floor] and poly around.
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
[family meeting]
Wife: Ok, so one of you have been loading the dishwasher wrong
Me: Shouldn’t we wait for the kids to join us?
Wife: Nah, we can start
When I’m at the supermarket and knock on a watermelon, I honestly do not know what I am listening for
Me: Sound the drums of war!!
My kids: *rhythmically drumming their stomachs*
*we enter the buffet*
Bravo, Oscar, Oscar, Bravo, Sierra
how did people track fundraising before the invention of the thermometer
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
An elementary school teacher’s most important job is to tell one kid per year they’ll never amount to shit in order to spark their rap career
Codpieces aren’t supposed to made out of fish? Crap! Hang on, then, I need to change.
My body says you’re tired go to sleep, my mind says have you ever thought about why only elephants have knees like ours.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
I think I stand a pretty good chance this year. I hear the Simpson kid is down two more toes.
New healthcare plan in case Obamacare is defunded: the entire country pays for hospital bills by cooking meth.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
Word find for ghosts:
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
O o O o O o O o O o O
o O o O o O o O o O o
I just screenshot my blue check and made it my banner. That was easy. And free 😂
I just found out I have a half sister. It was the result of a magic trick gone really wrong.
MOM LEAF: omg you changed color
KID LEAF: yeah everyone’s doing it
MOM LEAF: oh so if all the other leaves fell off the tree would you do it too
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse