[first day of work as a 911 operator]
“Hello, 911”
Hi someone’s trying to break into my house
“holy shit call 911”
You Might Also Like
911: what’s your emergency sir
me: I can’t find my butler
911: perhaps he is pretending to be a 911 dispatcher like you asked sir
me: will you pretend to be my butler until he gets back
The horror. The apostrophe’s.
I’m sorry I seasoned you while you were taking a nap.
My age reversal cream is working. It gave me zits.
Marvel are too COWARDLY to answer the REAL question: how many spiders can fit in one man
me: can i please have some more?
bank teller: haha you’re gonna get me in trouble but ok ONE more fifty
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: Yes. 9 millimetre.
ME: *writing ‘probably a T-Rex’ in my notebook* Thank you.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
If I were rich, I’d buy stuff I wouldn’t even use. Like helicopters or soap.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
[watching paint dry]
“It’s just nice to be watching something without Benedict Cumberbatch in it-oh my god there he is”
waiter: soooo do you have any room for dessert?
me (frantically moving chairs and tables out of the way): idk,,, how big is this f***en cake?
Why are they called drug mules instead of methengers?
I began speaking English with a French intonation after a fender bender. Well, I guess accents will happen.
Well, I made it up past 9pm, so yeah, you could say my Friday night is wild and crazy.
Guy in front of me at McDonald’s: I’ll take two of everything
Me: IS THERE A FLOOD
I DON’T KNOW ABOUT?
In a parallel universe calories are trying to burn people.
Stop fingering it and put it in your mouth is not the best choice of words when speaking to your teenager about her dinner..
I know this now
I haven’t said a single truthful thing on here since I became the King of Sweden.
GUYS GUYS GUYS, I just saw this dude wearing the stupidest . . . False alarm, just a mirror.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
“What are you doing tonight?”
Gonna smoke some Herb.
“Nice.”
-guys who work in a crematorium
Are they Milk Duds? Cuz I’m definitely not getting in your van for some stupid Milk Duds.
The DMV is karma’s revenge for every traffic violation you’ve ever gotten away with.
If you don’t think kids will use any excuse to fight, mine are currently arguing over whose fever is higher
Boy, ISIS are going to be pissed when they find out New Atheists talk about God more than them.
I don’t want a Ghostbusters sequel about the grandchildren of the Ghostbusters. I want a Ghostbusters prequel about Slimer when he was alive.