What if we all do not exist and God is alone just imagining us?
You Might Also Like
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Before Calling Me, ask yourself “Is This Textable?”
Friend: My baby turned 3 today. He’s growing up so fast!
Me: He’s actually growing up at an equal speed to every other human being on the planet.(why I’m not invited to birthday parties anymore.)
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
You can’t give everyone everything they need. You are not a cruise ship.
i have quarantined a small hotdog within the confines of a small crescent roll which i have quarantined in my belly
Remember that time that thing happened and you laughed when you weren’t supposed to laugh? People are still mad about that.
When people with bible quotes in their bio follow me…I don’t know man. I think you’re gonna have a bad time
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
My whole life is that moment when you send an important e-mail mentioning an attachment without the actual attachment.
Being a parent means often saying your child is shy rather than “he sees how creepy u are, that’s why he doesn’t want to shake your hand”.
Cop: “There’s an outstanding warrant out for your arrest.”
Me: *blushes* “I knew it was good but ‘outstanding’? Thank you, officer!”
Car next to me in liquor store parking lot has a family sticker. She has SEVEN kids.
I better get in there quick! She’s gonna buy it all.
My 1-year-old is learning to give a high-five, but she’s unclear on where her hand should land. She basically just slaps people in the face.
We operate by one simple rule: if you smell it and you think it’s gone bad, I believe you. Further testing (by me) is unnecessary.
My teen is officially at the part of math where I need to sit down with him and say, “Son, we are a family of idiots.”
[painting a model in the nude]
model: r u gonna be naked the whole time
Slip ‘n Slide should be a universal mode of transportation. I refuse to budge on this
Halloween is great bc kids just show up at your door and hold out bags of candy for you to steal
FWD: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: Fwd: THE DOGS HAVE LEARNED HOW TO EMAIL THIS IS YOUR DOG HELLO SUSAN
Him: Take them off. All of them.
*slowly unbuttons 50 cardigans
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
Sawing a hole under the bottom of a table to steal a cooked ham is way harder than it looks like in cartoons.
How bout you make like fabric softener and bounce.
Star Wars is just like regular wars except you fall in love with your sister and your dad chops your arm off.
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
New favorite tiktok
If you took a billionaire’s money away, they would just earn it back again. Cream rises to the top.
I’m so confident about this, I think we should prove it by taking all the billionaires’ money away.