Scarecrow: why aren’t u scared of me?
Batman: why would…wait. do u think I’m a crow?
SC: ur not a crow?
BM: *hurt* No *quietly* I’m a bat
You Might Also Like
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
I hope the zombies start with people that talk to me when I’m obviously counting.
I told a 5th grader during the school costume parade that I liked her Beetlejuice costume and she said she liked mine too but I’m not wearing one. Today she made a very mediocre enemy.
How do you tell someone that they’re not smart enough to manipulate you, without hurting their feelings?
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
AMERICA:
Where someone will eventually figure out how to fry Vodka
“I challenge you to a duel!”
“Very well. The weapon?”
“Compliments.”
“A capital choice.”
“Thank you, I- oh! I see you’ve dueled before!”
If I could travel back in time to change anything I would go back 15 minutes and stop myself from agreeing to play with my toddler.
Satan: it’s just… people usually ask for something a little more substantial in exhange for their soul
Me: *straining to reach the remote* are you going to hand it to me or not??
Just blew pot smoke on the huge spider hiding in my shower. I figure if I do this a few more times, he’ll be too stoned to attack me.
I like to imagine that gymnastics competitions are just an elaborate game of ‘the floor is lava’.
Still the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Internet.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
wait a minute. when the orc in lord of the rings says “looks like meat’s back on the menu boys” how does he know what a menu is
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I asked my 4 yr old if he was excited to be in his Uncle’s wedding To which he responded “yeah and I can’t wait to be the ring bear I have been practicing” and then proceeded to get on all fours and growl loudly at me. No plans to correct his understanding of his role
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
The only time that I get sucked in bed is when there’s a mosquito in the room.
Hubs: * Hands me a broom* Make yourself useful
Me: Flies away
Roses are red, you always mattered,
Dentist: Do you grind your teeth?
Me: Yes, I have a child.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
Scar: Long live the king!
*lets Mufasa fall*
Simba: No!
Mufasa: *while falling* Simba, this is totally your fault for being the woooooorst–
“Axe” is not going to help you get girls, unless you spray it in their eyes then quickly chloroform them.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
HER: What’s your cell plan?
ME: Bodily decay over decades until inevitable mortal collapse. You?
HER: …
ME: …
HER: … V-Verizon.
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
ME: Whats the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled?
WIFE: Cooler
ME: *lights cigarette and runs my fingers through my hair* What’s the name of that thing that holds beer and keeps it chilled, babe?