What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
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When I die, I’d like my coffin to be filled with Reese’s Pieces so on my headstone it can say “R.I.R.P.”
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Positive I heard an audible gasp from my car as I drove past the wine store
Waiter: Dessert’s on me.
Me: *leaning close* Where on you, Jeremy?
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
*goes swimming in Australia*
*is attacked by sharks*
*crawls gasping onto deserted beach*
*thanks god*
*is promptly eaten by crocodiles*
I have nothing in common with people that say, “I wouldn’t wish this on my worst enemy.”
JOSEPH AND MARY: We’ll stay in the manger, we don’t care
INN MANAGER: Fine. Just don’t make a scene
[sinking ship]
CAPTAIN: dammit
RAT: i’m leaving
CAPTAIN: i’m staying
CAPTAIN’S GOLDFISH: [in fishbowl] i’m excited to see how this plays out
My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
Oh you can bench 50 kilograms? I literally don’t know if that’s 100 pounds or a billion.
Candy companies will look you straight in the eye and lie about how they know what a banana tastes like.
Allow me to explain how to sew on a button:
A thread.
Hairstylist: So…whatcha thinkin?
Me: This…(shows pic of supermodel)
Hairstylist: Aww… bless your heart
We have guests, go get the fancy cups.
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
yes, those are my real potatoes.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
[laying in bed at 2am]
ME: hey siri do they still make grape nuts
SIRI: jesus christ go to sleep
Me: Screw you, Tuesday!
Tuesday: I have a boyfriend.
Forgive me Father, for I have sinned.
~What is your sin, child?
My husband and I are arguing
~That’s very common.
…about my boyfriend.
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Just cleaned out my purse if anyone needs 17 pens or a tooth.
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.