What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
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me: looks like I don’t have to plant any mint, it grew back on its own
mint: yep, you don’t have to worry about me
second mint: me neither!
me: I don’t remember planting you
third mint: sup fellas how we doin
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.
The best trick to ordering pizza is asking them not to cut it. By law, they can only charge you for one slice.
Fun Fact: the average group of 4 yr olds can take up to 7 years to break open a piñata.
So what happens to the pizza at the end of a porn film?
*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
I have never bought a snack faster on name alone in my life.
What doesn’t kill you was only practicing.
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
My husband changed his cologne brand for the 1st time in 31 years. Now he smells like I’m having an affair.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Date: Do you want to go upstairs?
Me: Sure.
Date: Do you have any protection?
Me: Who’s up there?
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
*relates to your tweet in the wrong way*
Ran into an ex-girlfriend. We talked, exchanged info, and she said her “insurance would call” me. Someones still carrying a torch!
When this multivitamin kicks in I’m going to do so much success.
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Corn mazes can be confusing until you remember corn isn’t walls and you can just walk right through it.
The transition from Lego kid to Nerf kid provides a lot of relief to parents’ feet.
Carrot cake is both my favorite carrot and my least favorite cake.
Every time we have an eclipse, I hear someone say, “This won’t happen again for another 150 years,” but then the shit happens every year and a half.
*London, 1592*
Pizza Boy: Hark! I hast brought thine order
Lusty Wench: Alas, I hath not a tuppence to pay for thy cheesed bread! Mayhap there is some other way thou canst get thine…pound of flesh?
Pizza Boy: Gadzooks! *funky lute music begins*
You look like you would fail a DNA test