911: What’s your emergency, sir?
Me: I’m being taken away by ducks! I’m being-
911: Please don’t do this, sir
M: AbDUCKted!
911: *hangs up*
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The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
ACCORDING TO ALL KNOWN LAWS
OF AVIATION,THERE IS NO WAY A BEE
SHOULD BE ABLE TO FLY.ITS WINGS ARE TOO SMALL TO GET
ITS FAT LITTLE BODY OFF THE GROUND.THE BEE, OF COURSE, FLIES ANYWAY
BECAUSE BEES DON’T CARE
WHAT HUMANS THINK IS IMPOSSIBLE.
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
why do we park in the driveway but fetishize an impossible and ridiculous masculinity on the hemingway
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
Me, at 21: I’m going to try a new hobby this year!
Me, at 28: I’m going to try a new career this year!
Me, at 35: I’m going to try a new spot on the couch this year
I was living in the moment until I was evicted.
[summer]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too hot.[fall and winter]
I’d go for a walk after work, but it’s too dark.[spring]
It’s nice out and the days are getting longer. I think I’ll go for a w– *tornado siren sounds*
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
I’m pretty smart – unless it’s turning on the right burner on the stove
There needs to be a grocery store for single people where they sell flour by the tablespoon.
[Me chasing 12 greyhounds round a race track]
YOU’LL GET TIRED EVENTUALLY. THEN I WILL PET YOU!
As meltdowns go I think this one is pretty mild. Oh and by the way, the fact that nobody has offered me drugs yet is pretty disappointing.
*slides a cheese slice with my number written on it in your pocket*
none of you hit me with your car this morning and now i have to go to work. thanks
Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
I used the guest towels to dry the dog after his bath if you were wondering what I’m getting yelled at about today
Had a guy compliment me on my neck…
hmm..
So on a hunky vampire scale from “Twilight” to “The Lost Boys”, how freaky is this about to get?
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]
knock knock
who’s there
Reggie
Reggie who?
The Reggie-stry of sex offenders requires me to tell you that I just moved into the neighborhood
Me: Is there alcohol in this?
Barista: … No ma’am.
Me: Can there be?
What should we call our new store?
“Will we sell pottery?”
No.
“Is it in a barn?”
No.
“Let’s go with Pottery Barn.”
Hell, I love it Carl.
(Halloween Costume Shop)
ME: *leaving after not finding anything*
CASHIER: *pointing to my face* Those masks aren’t free, buddy.
Me: Hello darkness my old friend
Darkness: please stop calling me that. My name is Susan
“If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, If I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave, if I act like I’m asleep he’ll leave” – Me getting pulled over
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed