The great thing about having a mouse in your house is that I’m sure it’s just the one mouse probably.
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[first date]
Me: so u just wanna poke ur straw thru that little hole
Her: I know how juice boxes work
Mom: well isn’t she a feisty one?
Forget carrying me to bed; carry me to the end of the workweek. Then we can talk
Me: I spend a lot of time awake at night, asking myself things like “Why don’t dogs have belly buttons?”
Priest: Ok valid question but not a confession, per se
*wears reindeer antlers*
*innocently smiles*
*bats eyelashes*
*steals your wallet*
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
here’s my dating advice. Take your date to go-karts. everyone loves go-karts. I just solved your life. you’re welcome
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
DATE: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
ME: *gets really close to the date & whispers* I’m just a person, what bullshit question is this
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
me: meet my invisible gf
friend: u don’t have to settle for that
me: ok but she’s–
friend: i was talking to her
Jeans: jeans
Jorts: jean shorts
Jancakes: (you guessed it) jean pancakes
(Musicians.)
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
Technology is moving so fast. My toaster just sprinted across the kitchen.
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
i want to work in this restaurant
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
Do you know who REALLY gets irony?
Skydiving schools.
Cuz you gotta drop out to graduate!
*releases mic to float down on tiny parachute*
If a man strikes thee on one cheek, turn to him the other. Then, having shown thyself impregnable to cheek attack, beat the crap out of him.
One of my wishes in life is to run across the Pacific Ocean in an air tight giant hamster ball.
Gift-Wrapping Club for Men Rules:
1) There is no such thing as too much tape
2) Forget everything you know about right angles
3) Gaps can be filled in with a different kind of paper or sticky notes
4) It’s okay to swear at scissors
When I’m baking a chocolate cake, all I want is the recipe, you can skip the history of cacao dating back to the Aztecs
Me: if you’re a cop you have to tell me
Judge: way past that
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I asked my son what kind of cake he wanted for his birthday…
“A burger cake with ketchup frosting!!”
Meatloaf. He wants meatloaf…
Want to send a 4-year-old boy into a blind rage? Repeatedly tell him he’s wrong and you are positive their names are “Batman and Robert”.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.