Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
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Where all the really weird kids at school who had no friends now have 7,913 of even weirder ones
me: where do you live?
schrödinger’s cat: a box
me: I mean like what state
cat: both of them
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
I waited 9 months for my daughter to finally say “mama” but I had to wait 9 long years to finally hear her say “you’re a much better driver than dad.”
Today’s horoscope.
●Sagittarius: You’re about to have issues with an Aries.●Aries : Sagittarius think you suck.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
I still say a wasp’s nest chucked through the window would be the ideal way to end any hostage situation. Nobody’s hanging around in there.
The Indian version of “How I Met Your Mother”is just a single episode called “I Met Her At Our Wedding”.
Octopus – 8 arms
“Yes”
Octagon – 8 sides
“Yes”
Octuplets – 8 babies
“Yes”
October – 8th month
“No”
I’m burning this world down
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
Marge is going for a more natural hairstyle
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
i never got involved in drugs as a youngster bc there was too much spice girls dance choreography to learn.
[bill gates house]
Bill: What’s on at the cinema?
Wife: Let me google it and-
*terrified look at bill*
Wife: Let me bing it and see.
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your 3 toppings pizza.
ME: Sorry, I don’t have enough left to tip you.
DELIVERY GUY: Then why didn’t you just order 2 toppings?
ME: *reluctantly hands him the pepperoni*
I finally shaved that big toe this morning. Watch out world because I’m comin’ for you now.
(Me,after returning from exam)
Mom: (Greeting) How was your paper?
Me: I wrote what I knew, I copied what I didn’t knew.
NAZI: Some of us Nazis got hurt too
ME: Thoughts and bears
NAZI: Don’t you mean “thoughts and pra–
ME *releasing grizzly bear*: Nope
Netflix: are you still watching?
Me: yes
Hulu: still there?
Me: yes
Phone: ring ring
Me: no
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Them: Describe your personality using one word.
Me: no
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
Trying to buy a house and the loan officer wants bank statements from the last three months but I’m too embarrassed to give them to her because I don’t want anyone knowing how much money I spend at Krispy Kreme
My jeans started to feel uncomfortably loose so I fixed it by eating a bag of chips, two chocolate bars and some brownies. A woman’s work is never done…
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
Meg: “I can’t believe my Gen Z parents named me Megalovania. Now I’m too embarrassed to tell people my full name.”
Fred: “You think YOU have it bad??”
Meg: “Oh pipe down, Fivenightsatfreddys…”
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
What idiot called it “ectoplasm” and not 🎵JELLO FROM THE OTHER SIDE
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.