Why aren’t the people in old timey photos ever smiling? Because they were in constant danger of getting eaten by dinosaurs. READ A BOOK.
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every ghost is a little afraid someone will see them and tell them to start wearing pants again
Nothing judges you harder than a cat staring at you.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
a person who loves cats is not a cat person theyre a dog person who loves cats. a cat person is sombody who is completley apathetic to cats
Most common statement made to me at the class reunion, “I heard you were dead.”
Somewhere Keanu Reeves is sad because he keeps following people on social media and getting blocked because nobody believes it’s him.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Me: I’m here for the free scoop of ice cream for my birthday.
Employee: Nice try. What does that make, 3 birthdays so far this year?
Me: *twirling fake mustache* Whatever do you mean?
Doctor: I’m afraid we’ve lost him.
Mother: What? But he was just getting a few stitches!
Doctor: It’s just a figure of speech, ma’am, he’s right here in the morgue.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
[first date]
Her: I like guys that are spontaneous.
Waiter: Soup or salad, sir?
Me: [maintains intense eye contact with her] SURPRISE ME
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
My 9 year old asked for a fog machine so no one can see her messy floor and now I’m pretty sure I’m raising a damned genius.
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Science tip: you can distinguish an alligator from a crocodile by paying attention to whether the animal sees you later or in a while.
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
*calls child protective services*
PROTECTIVE SERVICES: Why would you name me this, mom?
Me: hi
Person who just got back from Europe: It was life changing. thank you for asking
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Wife: I find him very patronising.
Me: That means she thinks I talk down to her.
Marriage counsellor: I don’t normally take sides but you should leave him.
Tremendous stuff
“No time to explain!” I shout as I douse you in gravy.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.