*genie appears*
I wish I was rich!
GRANTED! YOU USED TO BE RICH
ok!—wait what?
FOR YOUR SECOND WISH, CONSIDER HAVING PAID ATTENTION IN CLASS
You Might Also Like
If you’re going to regret this in the morning, we can sleep until the afternoon.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
the boston alphabet is only 25 letters because they threw the t in the harbor
When improv teams ask for suggestions, I like to yell “Learn a trade before your father cuts you off financially!”
The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”
*ring ring* Hello?
“If u want to see ur son again give me $500,000”
OH GOD PLEASE DONT HURT HIM
“I won’t if u-”
Haha gotcha, leave a message
accidentally called out my dentist’s name during my colonoscopy
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
(Musicians.)
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
My career as a karate instructor was tragically curtailed when parents found out I was wholly unqualified & just enjoyed kicking children.
I’m terrified of all my friends with babies learning that I’ve separately texted each of them: “Wow! That’s the best baby I’ve ever seen!”
I used to tell customers that Chilean wine was good because the country is geographically so narrow, the vines have to be grown in single file, giving maximum exposure to the sunlight
[texting]
Me: I keep seeing “tl;dr” and I’ve asked a bunch of people what it means but nobody will answer me. Do you know?
Her: too long, didn’t read
Me: oh ffs you too?
That moment when the woman ur dancing behind bends over so u can grind &u realize she lost an earring & nobody in starbucks can hear ur iPod
I’m a highly motivated procrastinator.
“what do your tattoos mean?” that I can’t be trusted with $200
Lake Superior was named the second most scenic lake in the world, beaten only by Lake Superiorer.
coworker: what do u think happens after we die
me: when I die, nothing
coworker: what about when I die
me: I get arrested
Thinking about writing my own eulogy because I don’t want my loved ones saying I’m a control freak.
Beautiful day in Ohio. Went out for a run but I was back home in a couple of minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I’m old and fat and can’t run for more than two minutes. if that.
Beastie Boys: So whatcha whatcha whatcha want?
2020: *deep breath*
Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.
This week’s mood.
Me [pitching a book idea]: It’s a create your own adventure book. But instead of an adventure you are actually making choices which will determine what you should have for dinner. Fights over dinner will be eliminated.
Him: So all paths lead to ordering pizza?
Me: Obviously.
Me: I’m not wearing a mask. It’s ineffective and it’s just a way for the government to silence me
Scuba diving instructor: fine
HOT SINGLES HAVE MIGRATED AWAY FROM YOUR AREA DUE TO CLIMATE CHANGE
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”