Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
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Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
[about to stay the night at a friend’s house]
Friend: The shower controls are tricky. First, you pull the big handle toward you, then you turn it counter-clockwise to the two o’clock position. Next, you turn the small handle clockwise until—
Me: I’ll just stay in a hotel.
*Infrastructure naming conference *
Crab : Let’s name it it the sidewalk
Other animals :Why should we do that we literally walk straight?
Crab:
Other animals :
Crab:
Other animals:
Crab :
Other animals :Okay we get it
My online dating profile just says ‘Invented Karate’ so the rest of you guys can just give up now.
Santa read your DMs. The only thing you’re getting for Christmas is a prayer group on Facebook.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
priest: Good Friday
jesus: i’ve had better
Sure, sex is great, but have you ever shoved a bunch of pots and pans in the cabinet and shut the door real quick for the next person to deal with?
Afraid to fly? It’s perfectly safe except that air traffic controllers are all gov’t employees forced to work the holidays.
Merry Xmas.
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
[Annual Review]
Boss: how do you think you performed this year?
Me: *an accountant* I think I “excelled” at my job.
Boss: you’re fired.
Me: This is such an accrual profession.
2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
So you’ve had white presidents, a black president and now an orange one. I’m crossing my fingers for the Hulk next time around.
Finally!
I saw a lady jogging in the rain & I was like, “how sad, she doesn’t know she could be sleeping in her bed right now.”
WIFE: What are you doing?
ME: IT’S NOT WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE
WIFE: You’re giving the dog a manicure?
ME: No, technically this is a pedicure.
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
Husband: Are we ordering out for lunch or eating here?
Me: I was just going to have something frozen here.
Daughter, from the other room: I WANT SOMETHING FROZEN 2.
People without kids: I’ll never yell at my kids
People with kids: I DONT KNOW WHY SOMEONE SPIT THEIR GUM ON THE ROAD JUST WALK!
7: What can I have for lunch?
Me: A sandwich.
7: But I want something cooked.
Me: Apparently you are in the wrong house.
Ad: You like to save money, right?
Me (thinking): dear god, they’ve read my diary
Isn’t it annoying when someone sits next to you in an empty cinema? I didn’t think so but that’s what my new best friend is telling security
Ichabod Crane in the streets the headless horseman in the sheets
KID: where do babies come from
ME: [interrupts] and how do we stop that
I don’t know why friends and family keep getting pregnant when I have two kids right here they can have.
“If you clean it, they will come. .. and destroy it. … immediately” Field of Dreams 2, Housecleaning w/ Kids
My child had pancakes and syrup for breakfast so I guess I’ll be sticking to my furniture for the next week
Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking