I drank the blood of a vampire. Tasted irony.
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“Do one thing today that scares you.”
*shrugs*
*licks elevator button*
Verizon is selling off tumblr already, like someone who bought a doll at a garage sale that was labeled “WARNING: THIS DOLL IS HAUNTED”, took it home, got tormented by a ghost, then went “hey, I think this thing is haunted”
Writer: My biggest fear is a blank piece of paper
The Rock: I hear ya buddy
The advantage in having a lot of children is that statistically speaking, you’re bound to like at least one of them.
I rescued a seagull, taught it karate and named it Steven, so what?
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
Cat Negotiator: Ok, so we’ll shit in a box in your house and you will clean it up
Humans: And you will be a loyal friend
Cat: hahahaha sure
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
WORK TIP: Respond to all your boss’s emails with “Heyyyy you!”
Remember when parents said “I’ll give you something to cry about” & were scared they’d hit us but they destroyed the housing market instead?
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
Sometimes, when I think about the word ruminate, it gets embedded in my mind, and I just can’t stop thinking about it.
My lucky number is 17 so I’m really hoping that 2017 is finally going to be my year. Otherwise, I’ll have to change my lucky number again.
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
Cars these days have so many sensors and rear cameras you gotta work extra hard to run someone over
My 12yr old just handed me his proofs from picture day but before I could open the envelope he says “First, let me explain”
Jesus: love your neighbor
Me: aw thanks, yours is also great
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
The fact that Mitt Romney opted to see Twilight instead of Lincoln this weekend probably sums up what his presidency would’ve been like.
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Directions: avoid contact with eyes
“It’s Ok, Shampoo, I feel shy sometimes too.”
An absolute travesty that in this day and age we don’t have an app for tracking ice cream men.
wife: I want you-
me: [takes off clothes]
wife: -to do the laundry
me: [puts them in washer]
So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
Just know that somebody out there is thinking of you, and you should really lock your doors.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Duct tape will only support 35 lbs when trying to climb walls like Spiderman. (I’m sober now)
In hell, your mouth is always freshly brushed & minty, and all they have to drink is orange juice.