ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
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Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
fondly reminiscing about the time i overslept for work by six hours and didn’t get fired
*going through mail*
“bills bills bills bills bills”“I think I’ll unsubscribe from Daily Ducks Magazine.”
interviewer: if i said the meat here isnt real how would you sell it
me: our chicken really is somethin else
interviewer: welcome to subway
Everybody values honesty, until they have an ugly baby.
Me: WHOOMP! there it is.
Detective: Please stop saying that every time you find a clue.
just got an email from HR that there will be no winners for the quarterly employee appreciation award because everyone who was nominated in the last three months has quit
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
[Staring deep into David Schwimmer’s eyes]
“I’m afraid I only like you as a Friend”
Wife: [looking out of window] Go and talk to our son. He’s outside looking forlorn.
Me: [goes outside] *points to grass* it’s there u prick
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
Shower sex be like:
[mothers day]
Norman Bates: I got you flowers, Mother.
Norman Bates dressed as her: Oh I love them.
Excuse me, the movie Inception, you’re gonna tell me you had like 10 people jumping between levels of everyone’s subconscious and yet there were ZERO sex dreams? Uhhhh that’s a damn plothole my guy!!!!
I gave my wife a tip how she could wash the dishes better.
On a side note, Dawn detergent is really starting to make my hands more soft.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
Christopher Columbus was lucky to have found America first. His nemesis Garmin Von Goögle Maps showed up minutes later after taking Route 2.
Priests should not have to live in a state of forced celibacy, but be free to marry and let celibacy slowly descend upon them the usual way.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Why do seagulls live by the sea?
Because if they lived by the bay theyd be bagels.
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
I ask myself, “How did I get here?,” I’m sure my neighbors ask the same question every time they catch me in their house…taking a shower.
I often worry about the safety of my children … Especially the one who is still awake at midnight and talking back right now.
[Camping]
Her: You didn’t bring food?
Him: No
Her: Or toilet paper?
Him: Why would we need toilet paper if we don’t have food?
If I wake and then I bake, I pray The Lord for chocolate cake. Amen.