When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?
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What do you call a snake that is exactly 3.14 meters long?
A πthon
The answer is funnier than the question
FRIEND: do you drive stick?
ME: no I drive car.
Boss: We’re having a meeting at noon for future managers
Me: Will there be lunch?
Boss: No
Me: I don’t want to be a manager that bad
I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.
her: i’m leaving u
me: is it bc i fish for compliments
her: yes
me: or bc i’m the worst person ever
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Wife: can you pick up milk?
Me: [lifts gallon] yea it’s easy
Wife: I mean from the store
Me: I would imagine it weighs the same there too
When I die, please scatter my ashes over my iPhone, computer and TV, because I want to be left to my own devices.
Me redecorating every room in my mind
I think the Ice Bucket Challenge is a giant waste of water *falls asleep in the shower for 2 hours*
What kind of monster sits in a rocking chair and doesn’t rock
If you ever need to find evidence to prove someone’s guilt or innocence, always check the pudding first.
People who say everything happens for a reason should remember that when I punch them in the face.
A man said to a woman on tv that she’s ”candy for the eyes” and immediately my stupid mind made a stupid joke that all the candy I ever consumed was instead ”candy for the thighs”, and then I thought tweet it, girl, tweet it real good! You’re welcome.
I recently got invited to a party with lots of attractive people and learned that I am very good at being ignored by lots of attractive people
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
I’m perfectly happy to listen to the opinion of anyone who agrees with me.
[Pet store]
Boss: “I have to fire you. I know you’ve been stealing puppies.”
Me: “You can’t prove that.”
*My purse starts barking*
In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
1st birthday party: *intense Pinterest deep dive, starts buying things 6 months in advance, starts decorating a month before party*
7th birthday party: *oh shit, the party is in 2 days. Guess I should order some food or something*
Found my missing cardigan when my sister posted a FB pic of her wearing it.
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
Cucumbers hate becoming pickles. For them, it’s a jarring experience.
Any time I see a dog in a baby stroller I assume the dog has somehow established dominance & the baby is back at home stuck in a kennel.
The mystery is not do spiders poop.
The mystery is where do spiders poop.