I’m not saying she has daddy issues but she only fills out credit cards for the instant approval.
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At what age does Ryan Gosling have to change his name to Ryan Goose
My ex got me one of those mermaid tail blankets and when I told my mom she said I don’t need to hear about your perverse sexual proclivities and I think of this often
Somewhere there’s a bat that witnessed their parents murder who now dresses like a human.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Think I left the oven on, better turn around
-me, leading a wagon train
It’s not illegal to convince your child that she is the only person who can see the sun and must never talk about it.
My cat said “meow”, so I answered with a “meow”, and now I’m afraid of what I may have agreed to.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Working on a screen play that involves zombies invading a prom. I’m calling it “Prom Nom Nom”
Dropped a peanut butter cracker and no one came running so of course my first thought was that the dogs had been raptured.
Taking a break from my mental health to focus on Twitter
me: want to go hunting this weekend?
friend: sure i’m game.
me: oh then you probably shouldn’t come.
I was looking up Licking County Animals (in Ohio) because they have a litter of hound puppies I wanted to share but let’s just say puppies weren’t in the results.
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
im getting some exciting spam emails lately
Person: Do you have a license for that thing?
Me [from my wheelchair]: No, that got revoked after I killed my third pedestrian.
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
You’re telling me this man will loan me a shark?
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
I changed my car horn to gunshot sounds. People move out of the way much faster now.
The “we’re going to need a bigger boat” scene from Jaws but just me looking at the shopping carts at the liquor store.
Libraries were a good start, but we really need to keep working on the number of places where people shouldn’t be allowed to talk.
I like to establish dominance by asking the cop, “know why I pulled you over?” first.
Long story short, I need bail money.
The 9:50 from Paris has been diverted. Nothing to do with the weather, we just don’t like the French.
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.