My son was like ‘I got a D in my maths’ and I was like ‘That’s really bad’ and my wife was like ‘you need to stop doing his homework’.
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I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
New favorite tiktok
my best friend is a guy and we have a pact that if we’re both still single at 37 we’ll hunt each other for sport
my buddy: hey nick you want a beer?
the t1000 impersonating me: nah im good
my buddy: cool cool…. (slowly reaches for a shotgun under the counter)
Marriage is your wife:
– Saying you are “the smartest person she knows”
– But not trusting you to buy the right items at the store to make a salad
why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
WIFE: Don’t tell the kids but I threw away those awful pictures they made & stuck on the fridge
ME: [sprinting towards the bin] MY ART
the wok is the most versatile of all the kitchen tools. i make everything in there. everything. plz test me. spaghetti? that’s waghetti now. tacos? u mean wok-o’s baby. u want some muffins, dude? flip that “m” upside-down my guy cuz we eat wuffins in this house
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
LinkedIn is the best dating app because you know whether your potential love knows how to use Microsoft Excel.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
I refuse to acknowledge the new year until the old one cleans up the mess it made.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
“I’m not even going to dignify that with a response”, she responded.
imagine if bumblebees made full-volume harley davidson noises. this is the only thing that could possibly improve them
Pro Tip: when someone knocks on the door of bathroom you’re occupying, yell “CASH ONLY”
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
your honor my client would like to plead oopsie daisies
Rachel Ray now makes cat food with real beef just like the cows my cat would eat in the wild.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
HIM: you promise you’re not an octopus?
ME: of course not silly
HIM: good. come in & meet my family
ME: *hugs all 4 of them at once*
My octopus can beat up your octopus.
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*
*octopus flicks cig*“Lets do this.”
A librarian with a sense of humour…
#Oscars
imagine bumping into someone on the street and all the money in ur checking account flies out of ur body and litters the ground disappearing after mere seconds never to return. this is what life is like for sonic the hedgehog every day
I’m not a cyber-bully but I did change my WiFi network name to “I CAN SEE WHAT YOU ARE GOOGLING STEVE”. Sleep well neighbor. Sleep well.