Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
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Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
2 Beers = 1 Tweet
5 Beers = 3 Tweets
9 Beers = 7 Tweets
12 Beers = 12 Tweets
24 Teers = 30 Beets
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Why does my back always hurt?” I say while never sitting upright in a chair.
I still have made very little progress towards my life goal of being sawed in half by a magician
*calls hotel front desk*
“Hi is the stuff in the mini bar free?”
No sir, you will be billed for any-
“Someone robbed my mini bar”
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Just when you think you’re getting a real break from socializing, someone organizes a drive by honking parade.
It doesn’t matter how hard I try, I just don’t seem to be going anywhere in life
Hamster therapist: Sounds like you’re in a vicious circle
If you’re a bicyclist, probably the best thing that can happen is you put your arm out to signal a turn and a falcon perches on your wrist.
The eliptical I want costs $500, the cheeseburger I want cost $1, you see my dilemma?
No, I don’t need a Fitbit. I can count to 45 by myself.
I’m jealous of turtles because if they don’t want to talk to someone, they’re like “Nah, dude, busy in my shell right now. Come back later.”
got asked to be a godparent proving god has lowered her recruitment standards
[medusa’s husband sighing and pulling a wad of snakes out of the shower drain]
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
In elementary I got all the chicks because my box of crayons had a built-in sharpener. Been on a dry spell ever since. Just me & my crayons.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Looking for a friend with benefits. Preferably dental.
FRIEND: Wow you have bought A LOT of frozen food
ME: I like to plan ahead
FRIEND: But you haven’t got a freezer
ME: I’m a terrible planner
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
I enjoy a glass of wine each night for its health benefits.
The other glasses are for my witty comebacks and flawless dance moves…
A person on this website accused me of writing “a thousand bad jokes” and I was like wow that’s a weird way to say you like 7000 of my jokes
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
Narrator: “Humans are the product of 4.54 billion years of evolution”
[cut to me pressing harder on remote control when batteries are dead]
[job interview]
HR: Says here you’re very good at multi-tasking
*me taking a selfie & spinning in chair
HR: *whispering “wow he’s good”
Don’t ask me! I’m 48 and still refer to it as a Choo-Choo Train.
Open your mind…
DEAR GOD CLOSE IT CLOSE IT CLOSE IT