It’s a good thing that our phones only convey sight and sound. No offense, but from most of you I would never want to receive a smelfie!
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my brain: knows jfc stands for Jesus Fricking Christ
also my brain: John F. Cennedy
ALSO my brain: Jentucky Fried Chicken
Saw a kid in a stroller with an iced coffee. I gave him my resume.
[bank]
I’d like to pay this into my account
[empties pockets full of cat teeth]
OMG I’m so sorry [takes card back] that’s the wrong account
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
I love October because it signals the change from eating tacos outside season to eating tacos inside season.
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
I asked a friend if he’d eat a piece of dog crap for $1K and he asked “From whose dog?” I’m having a hard time accepting that as a factor.
I only make mistakes when I’m around people who are observant.
Coachella was invented in 1999 when someone accidentally planted a headband in the desert
Him: why doesn’t anyone want me?
Me: I want you.
Him: why doesn’t anyone else want me?
God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
[outside tomb]
John: ok but if we’re being honest Jesus was kind of annoying right?
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John:
Disciples:
John: he’s right behind me isn’t he
[approaches outdoor cafe holding balloon w/face drawn on it]
Hello table for two ple- [large gust carries balloon away] OH NO MY WIFE
I’ve been banned from the starwars subreddit for repeatedly referring to C3PO as “the aluminum foil”
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
So, on July 4th, one of the hottest days of the year, we’re all going to sit outside of our air-conditioned homes and cook over a fire?
A local supermarket.
A customer asks “Do you have unsalted nuts?”
The new checkout boy freezes. He needs this job. But he may never get this chance again.
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
landlord: your income needs to be 3x rent
me: can you tell my boss that
[sorting hat sorting hat ceremony]
sorting hat *wearing hat*: not durmstang please not durmstang
smaller sorting hat: HOGWARTS!
The days of good grammer has went
[the afterlife]
Me: So, this is heaven!
*sees husband* whoa whoa whoa, what’s he doing here?! The contract said til death parts us!Angel: *chuckling*
Me: omg. this is hell, isn’t it.
ME: i’m having a lovely time tonight
my date: why do u keep yelling “ME” before every sentence