Asked hubs to pick up tampons. Love doin that shit. Also said I needed super, light, long, short, orange ones so he’ll have to ask someone.
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[oval office]
SECRETARY: (shrieks) there’s a dead rat on my desk!
PRESIDENT WHO IS A CAT: wow someone must really like you *winks*
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
God: Don’t eat that Apple. You can smoke this plant I made instead
[20 min later]
Adam: Sooo hungry
Eve: Me too
Adam: That apple looks good
me: if I’m guilty of anything it’s caring too much…
judge: no it’s armed robbery
me: *clenches fist* about money
If I tell you I will do anything for you, don’t get too excited, because I will also do anything for a slice of pizza.
Telling a mom to relax while her family does everything on Mother’s Day is like telling a pilot to relax while the passengers fly the plane.
My kids dressed in various parts of different Halloween costumes.
Husband: What are they?
Me: Happy, so I’m not asking any questions
Vodka = liquid CTRL + ALT + DELETE
I heard you like bad girls. Well I’m bad. At everything. Winks at you with both eyes.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
“How is tofu made?”
Well, when an edamame loves an edadade very much….
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
Went to a movie theater for the first time in two years over the weekend. It’s still the best nap that $24.99 can buy.
him: there’s been another burglary how do people get into that
me: no idea *putting halloween masks on the kids and handing them bags* let’s start with the rich houses
Me: Yes, I’d like to schedule an appointment with the doctor
Receptionist: Of course. Do you have insurance?
Me: Yes, I do.
Receptionist: And this doctor is in your network?
Me: I’m not sure.
Receptionist: Ok, this will either be free or 11 million dollars. See you tomorrow!
I don’t care if it’s a Hell Hound or not, I’m still going to pet it.
i’ve always loved the phrase “when i wore a younger man’s clothes” from piano man. it’s such a poetic way of saying he stole a guy’s clothes
Our 8-yr-old son announced that he is moving in with the family down the street because they have a PlayStation.
My wife: “What about us? We’re your family, and we love you.”
Son, enthusiastically: “We can be neighbors.”
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Husband: Let’s talk about it when we’re not tired and cranky.
Me: So, in like 18 years?
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
At dinner last night two women asked to take my husband’s picture. I said, “Why? Who do you think he is?” And they said, “Aren’t you Gabe from Top Chef?” and my husband said, “Bon Appetit!” and smiled for the picture.
This man can’t even make scrambled eggs.
[accidentally brings blow dryer instead of gun to bank robbery]
teller: WHAT
me: I SAID GIVE ME ALL THE MONEY
teller: WHAT
me: THE MONEY
teller: GOD IT’S HOT IN HERE
wait do british people think smashing pumpkins means really good pumpkins?
*pokes sex life with a stick
Child just ran by screaming WHERE’S THE PLUNGER GET TOWELS LOTS OF TOWELS so anyway how is your day going?
There’s nothing quite like a pissed off toddler trying to make her point by angrily storming away on a ride on ladybug
Talk about bad timing #JokeoftheDay #Conan