Q: What did the one giraffe say to the other giraffe?
A: “Holy shit I can talk.”
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I threw the ball out into the backyard, the dog started runnin’ on the hardwood floor to give chase, lost traction and skidded sideways out the door like she was trying to block the Suez Canal.
My car has a sunroof, but I consider it more of a middle finger display hatch.
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
If you know shes had a bad day just ask her how she is doing. Then when shes talking you can think of a good tweet that makes fun of her day
You’re telling me this life crisis is mid
Hey guys is your refrigerator running? Because I don’t like any of the current presidential candidates
today my daughter’s preschool teacher told me she was going to separate my kid and her bff because “they’re codependent and fall apart without each other.” like ok thanks mrs smith, where were you when I was dating in my twenties
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
[INTERVENTION]
Them: You’re addicted to Doritos. We think you need help.
Me: THIS IS NACHO PROBLEM
Magician: Abracadabra!
[cloud of smoke as woman volunteer disappears]
Husband (stands up): YES! …I mean, noooo. *quietly sits down*
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
[job interview]
“And why do you want to be a fireman?”
So I can fire people.
“That’s not what a-”
*clenching fists* You’re gonna be first.
What if Jesus was so chill because he was the only person alive unburdened by the knowledge that his parents had sex?
Friend: Does Jesus live in you?
Me, Very Fat: I don’t know, he probably could though.
I went to confession and the priest said, “pics or it didn’t happen.”
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
holy crap!! when I said “take care of them” I meant snacks & drinks
This dressing room attendant would be a lot more helpful if she offered to bring me a drink, instead of a different size.
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
6: Daddy the floor is lava!
Me: Oh yeah? *Pushes wife off chair*
Just got to our Airbnb!
HIM: Hi, I’m Bill.
ME: Hi, I’m…oh shit this is embarrassing. I’m not really good with names.
If it hurts you more than it hurts them, you’re probably holding the Taser wrong.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
Husband: I called my boss “Honey” today.
Wife: What? Why?
H: He was shouting at me and telling me I was wrong, and it just slipped out.
date: so what do you do on the weekends.
me: mostly pet my cat.
date: oh your bio said you were a risk taker.
me: um yeah have you ever pet a cat.
If I arrive wearing more than one hat it is because I could not decide & could not bear to leave one or more of them behind.
SENATOR: “Would you agree that it’s bad for Facebook to steal users’ blood and use it to create a clone army?”
ZUCK: “That’s an interesting question that I’ll have to discuss further with our team. Did you know I started this company in my dorm room?”
70’s horror movies gave me a healthy respect for the power held by chainsaws and deserted farmhouses