bank robber: everyone on the ground and drop whatever is in your hands!!
me: [holding a $9 Starbucks coffee, a tear rolls down my cheek] no
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How many games did you play already?😅
#chessmeme
I realized I was taking too long to get my toddler her food when she started growling at me
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
When clowns first attacked these shores nobody took it seriously. It’s just one boat, how many could there be, they said.
My friend showed me her new vegan pants. I know vegans can be annoying and everything, but should we really be making pants out of them?
Me: “Leave me alone! I’m confident in who I am and I know my worth!”
Dollar General Employee: “Sir, these shelves aren’t designed to support your weight please get down from there.”
[second date]
Me: so… is this your first police chase?
If I had a million dollars for every time I looked at the negative side of things, I’d have way too many god damn taxes to pay.
Hey I bet you guys can’t guess what the Titanic’s least favorite kind of lettuce is
I suspect in a previous life I was either Napoleon or maybe some socks.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
when my wife is giving birth then the baby pops out and steals the hotdog i’m eating
I’m not a stupid person. I have a college degree. But I’ll never understand how a fan can collect so much dust when it’s constantly moving.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
I had a dream I was driving and following my friend to her house. But she kept making turns from wrong lanes and I was trying to keep up with her
And then I realized “oops that’s not my friend and I’ve been following a stranger and probably scaring them” lol
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
“Hold on lemme just hotbox these bugs so I can steal and eat their goo.” -beekeepers everywhere
[1st day seal clubbing]
Me: OMG this is awful
Guy: [choking back tears] I know right?
Me: [feeding MDMA to a seal pup] There isn’t even a DJ
Men fantasize about me, women want to be me and children obey me!
[wakes up on bathroom rug]
DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
[first day in a new house]
Me: [walking around naked] nothing like the freedom of your own home
Ghost who intended to haunt me: goddamnit
5-year-old: My teacher said this project needs adult supervision.
Me: OK, what do you need me to do?
5-year-old: Go find Mom.
To the parent who sent their kid with slime as a Valentine to the class I just want you to know that I will send my daughter with kinetic sand to give to your kid as a thank you gift.
WHY would you be happy about this?
Me[seeing snow for the first time]: Damn, that rain is thicc!
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia