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Twitter needs an aquarium for all the catfish that I net.
Getting older means having to put a daily stop to the romance between my left and right eyebrows before they become One.
Every 2020 wine has to be bad. You can’t open a cabernet in 2026 like “oh, 2020. That was a good year.”
We just walked into a Target and my wife said we don’t need a buggy and I don’t know what I’m supposed to do in here without a buggy to push.
I hate it when my Wife says that we need to talk.
It’s always “What’s wrong with you?” and never about sports, beer or bikini models.
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
Mom 1: My son loves gluten free chips.
Mom 2: Asher eats everything organic.
Me: My son had a chocolate donut and a booger for breakfast.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a printer wondering if he forgot to press something.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
Batman: [sees signal] what’s the emergency
Commissioner Gordon: why weren’t you at my birthday party
Me: Achoo!
People trying to scare me: Boo!
My bladder: I hate October.
exec: i have a new band that’s going to tear up the charts
ceo: what’s the name
exec: duran duran duran
ceo: that’s way too many durans
exec: we can cut it down to just duran, sir
ceo: hmm now i’m worried that’s not enough durans
exec: i have an excellent idea then, sir
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
I love putting on warm underwear fresh out of the dryer. I also love to look around the laundromat and guess who they belong to.
*pulling shredded cheese out of the bag one by one* they fw me they fw me not
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”
Does anyone else’s wife quiz them about the movie they’re watching with them as if you wrote and produced it yourself? I don’t know why he didn’t just call a taxi, Linda, I’ve got the same information you have.
(pointing at TV) That’s Homer, he’s sort of the ringleader. The hierarchy is actually not super clear but it seems like he and the woman grew the smaller ones somehow
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
A ponytail so tight I look 5 years younger and everyone thinks I’ve been smiling all day.
A friend will bail you out of jail, a best friend knows the password to your phone so they can delete all your nude selfies if you die
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
If you stand in the rain, you’ll grow quicker.
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
When I was 8 yrs old, I walked to school by myself; now you have to hold your kid’s hand right up to their first drug deal.
We carpeted our bathroom last night. My kid covered the entire floor with towels before their bath so same thing.
I named my third child Pi, because having that many kids seemed irrational.
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing