suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
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Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Me: I made a perfect napping spot just for you
My cat: no thank you, I would rather be uncomfortable than do anything you suggest
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
Just googled “insanity” over and over but was expecting different results.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
pretty cool how no matter what’s going on in the world, a teenager in a Metallica shirt will always look the same no matter what year it is.
I bet the marketing people at Corona really wish this thing was called Heinekenfluenza.
If you watch the movie Twister backwards it’s the story of friendly tornados saving lives, rebuilding destroyed towns and playing with cows.
T-REX: listen up pal
AL: my name is al
PTERODACTYL: that’s what he said
A friend text me after the election to ask how I was doing. Now she says I’m mad at her because I haven’t answered, but I’m still typing.
There’s no I in team, but there’s one in IKEA cuz I’m the only one putting together this damn Fjällbo
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
I wonder how many medieval chefs were executed because the king’s food taster had food allergies
Whoever gets the gift from me that has scissors under the wrapping paper, I’m going to need those back.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
Her: Do you have a date for Valentine’s Day?
Me: I do. It’s February 14th.
getting home from the airport opening my bag to find nothing but 99 packs of frozen hotdogs. one missing
Only marriage can turn an incorrectly folded towel into an act of war.
Guy on the plane threw a fit about sitting next to my Therapy Scorpion
ME: I’ll have the chicken dinner.
WAITER: Yes, sir. *throws corn on the floor* Here, chick chick chick.
ME: *pecks at the ground* Excellent.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
I’ve never been to Pilates but I have tried to change clothes in the car.
I was arrested last Halloween. Apparently it’s illegal to chase someone yelling, Touch me! Even if they are dressed as the Grim Reaper.
angel: where’d all the zebras go?
God: I put ’em in the desert
angel: dude their camouflage was for the snow
God: I know lol
Can’t. Typing a password into a tv.
*whips out tampon*
“Now weigh me”
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
If you ever get attacked by a bear, throw your shark at it. Also, get a shark.