We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
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ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
People always tell you that you’ll blink and your kids will grow up suddenly
How many times do I have to blink before they let me pee alone?
Me: why can’t I lose weight?
Also me: only leaves the house for events involving cake
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
I was up all night reading about insomnia
Can’t believe the Obama 2012 campaign isn’t using the slogan “Once you go black, you don’t go back.”
Helter Skelter is my favorite song about my eyebrows
ME: my clothes are getting smaller
WIFE: you’re probably just putting on a little weight
ME: *pulling lint from dryer* then explain this
Being an adult is 99% wondering how you hurt your back.
Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom
“wat abot that shadowy place. by 5pm it wil be in the sun”
..who told you about science
[date]
HER: Do you like Star Wars?
ME: Of course
HER: Which character do you identify with?
ME: *leans in close* The complete void of space
[takes a drag from a cigarette] Her middle name was Danger. Her first name was Danger. Her last name was Danger. Her parents were stupid.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
It’s funny how Twitter dropped the egg avi and now people are using apps to smooth out their faces so much, they all look like eggs.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
Driving to work, and I just reached down to touch my leg to make sure I have pants on.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
ME: how did you get disbarred
ATTORNEY: i gave kittens to all the jurors
ME: *gasps* you mean
ATTORNEY: that’s right, i *adjusts sunglasses* committed purr jury
The wife’s clearing out the fridge before vacation so I’ve a pork chop, 3 slices of ham and 6 bacon rashers for dinner. The sad thing is knowing I can never again love her as intensely as I do right now.
all the sexy dinosaurs went extinct during the flirtatious period
Me: Wanna high five with our hearts?
Teammate: For the last time. It’s called a chest bump.
[2 Years into Cosmetology School]
Me:[applying perfect contours] When are we gonna start learning about space?
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Person 1: hey did you go see the new Holy Infant?
Person 2: I did
Person 1: what’s he like?
Person 2: so tender and mild
Person 1: what