Once someone broke into my car and didn’t steal anything – not my leather jacket or any of my CDs, and I have never felt more judged.
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[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Sure, sex is great but have you ever had to pee really bad and managed to reach the washroom just in the nick of time?
Whole ‘nother level!
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
Me, getting mugged: make sure you use that credit card for groceries. I get fuel points.
*Knocks down spider web*
Spider: Rude
*Hangs up spider web Halloween decorations*
Spider: Unbelievable
I feel guilty about being Asian because I didn’t start playing the violin since I was born.
INTERVIEWER: What are your strengths?
APPLICANT: I’m a detail-oriented team player
[nothing wacky happens because this is a job interview]
Biden: Trump’s sons were nice
Obama: Considering you called them the Menendez brothers all day
B: Uday and Qusay?
Me: We need a table of six for brunch, please
Hostess: No problem. Please have a seat. The wait should only be about eleven hours.
My friends asked me to go camping so I made of a list of the things I will need: 1. new friends
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
My kids asked me what people were protesting about on tv so I had to sit them down and very carefully explain that people are still angry about the horrible Mother’s Day gift they bought me.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
professor x: what’s your superpower?
me: heavy-handed product placement
professor kfc: that’s finger lickin’ good
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
I hate when I want to like a girl’s old picture to let her know I’m interested but I’ve already liked every single one.
I purposely park three feet away from the drive thru window so Mcdonalds employees can get in their daily stretches.
All bottle caps are twist-offs if you have a prosthetic robot hand
Q: What do the back street ghosts like to sing?
A: I haunt it that way!
A banana republic is just a regular republic that’s happy to see you.
I’m not a heavy drinker but I do really like when the wine bottle makes the DOOKODOOKDOOK sound and will pour a glass of wine to experience it.
*Does something bad*
Mom: *tells the entire family, tweets, posts on Facebook, blogs, tells people in china*
Christmas is great! You can sit on the lap of a total stranger and no one is offended.
Got my twins a bunk bed so now I can worry about two kids falling at once.
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
Someone sent this to me and it’s bone chilling in its accuracy
[Yelp Customer Review]
Bill’s Wild West Saloon
Tasty food served in giant sheriff’s badges. I give it ate out of tin stars