Do other animals have signature tranquilizers, or are horses just especially stressed out?
You Might Also Like
Shout out to the top 5 geons in the world, dun, smid, blud, pi and neurosur.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
My 5yo woke up early this morning and was playing very quietly because he didn’t want to wake grandpa. I’d never seen anything like it! Apparently all my son needed to play quietly was an adult in the house that he respected.
Can’t. About to go please some beans
Seal it so to open it, you’ll need just enough force that the contents will explode all over the place.
~inventor of cereal bags probably
A magic eraser, but for my bar tab.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
*walks in on son making batman & iron man action figures kiss*
wtf?
“dad i can explain”
u should never EVER mix the dc & marvel universes
Scooby Doo was awesome because he would just shout his own name when things got exciting.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
Him: These candles are so romantic!
Me: They’re necessary for my human sacrifice ritual.
CLERK: $3.74
ME: *reaches in pocket & pulls out whole ham* sorry I have cash *reaches back in & pulls out 2nd ham* well this is embarrassing
Gollum is like, “actually this is my emotional support precious.”
[parent teacher conference]
TEACHER: little joey has trouble accepting responsibility for his actions
PARENT: good luck dealing with that
I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.
hungover at 22: dag gonna be 9 minutes late for work
at 39: …finally, to my faithful cat elroy i leave my cache of nagano ’98 olympic pins
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
15: *cleaning her glasses with the hem of her shirt* Ever wonder how nudists clean their glasses?
Me: No. *spends the rest of the night wondering how nudists clean their glasses*
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
I think sometimes we as humans ask too much of spandex.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
If you fill your girlfriend’s hair dryer with talcum powder & glitter you end up with an angry ex-girlfriend who looks like a sparkly ghost.
“Funerals are for the living”? Dude you’re doing it wrong
I like that parents of every generation have collectively agreed to keep the “a special chemical will turn the water (arbitrary contrast color) if you pee in the pool” lie going.
constantly working on myself.
Indiana Jones & the hopscotch of doom.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it’s to annoy my husband
I don’t know, Jay-Z. If I was worth half a billion dollars, I’d have like 3 problems. Max.