I’m 45 and still don’t know what to do when live music is playing.
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Okay everybody it’s Zero Hour for this website, post your favorite tweets and give them a little kiss goodbye.
Lady at the door asked if I’d found Jesus and I was all HOW IS HE MISSING, IT WAS YOUR DAY TO WATCH HIM. I don’t think she’ll be back.
Wanna know the secret to a good marriage? Sleep. Cant do anything wrong while sleeping. Unless you talk in your sleep, then youre dead.
[first day as a dentist] *encounters tongue* huh. this isn’t teeth
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
🙂🐾
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Monday is a draft that was sent by mistake when God’s cat jumped on the keyboard.
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
I want to lose weight, but I don’t want to get caught up in one of those “eat right and exercise” scams.
I only date men who have cats because they’ve been pre-trained to try and figure out what you want if you just stare at them long enough.
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
I get a new phone every year just so my friends don’t think I’m lying when I tell them I’ve lost their number
Avoidance is expensive
when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
One time my dad got mad at hulk hogan and yelled “YOURE WASTING SHIRTS” at the TV
whatcha thinkin bout
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
“Welcome, Karen, to Pants On Fire!” the game show host says.
“Excited to be here!” I tell him.
The host eyes me. “Are you?”
My forced smile starts to break. Sweat beads drip down my face, and I swallow hard.
“Light up her pants, guys,” the host orders.
Angel: so what are these?
God: these are the vegetables. They contain lots of nutrients and vitamins the humans will need
Angel: wow this one tastes amazing and you can do so much with it
God: that’s a potato
Angel: it must be really good for you then
God: lol…no
Usage Guidelines
8yr old: I’m teaching myself sign language and I’m so upset! Why would they do this?!?
Me: Do what?
8: Do you know what the sign for cactus is?
Me: I do not.
8: It’s the middle finger! I can’t use the middle finger!
Me: Well, I mean, how often do you say cactus?
8: That’s fair.
waiter: would you like a soup or salad?
clark kent: [laughs nervously] a super salad? i’ll just have a regular salad please
waiter: alri-
clark kent: [loudly] a regular salad for a regular man
[phone rings]
Guy: is your refrigerator running?
Me: yes my refrigerator is runn-
Fridge [grabs phone]: hello? Yeah actually I do crossfit
If I ever get remarried, I am walking down the aisle to the theme song from Jaws.
Dances with Wolves is not about famous wolves competing for a mirror ball trophy. I know that now.
i for one absolutely hate and can’t stand it when the crab next to me in this bucket full of crabs (i too am a crab) climbs over me when i am trying to in fact climb over THEM
Is there a hand sanitizer out there that can kill the 0.01% germ?
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
If Ella Fitzgerald married Darth Vader then she would be known as Ella Vader…….