*gives rubber ducky a swig of my wine*
Everybody in this tub getting tipsy.
You Might Also Like
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
My daughter refuses to play with her Ouija Board anymore because every time we play, it spells out CLEAN YOUR ROOM.
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Actually officer, if you factor in the earth’s rotation, we were all speeding
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
How much would you have to pay a teacher to flunk your kid so he has to go to Summer School? Just planning ahead…
I’m an avid indoorsman.
It’s not sexual harassment unless I don’t get the raise I was promised.
Did Batman know that Alfred was embezzling billions to finance a 4-person Magic act that was a front for robbing banks?
1. have a child
2. never mention it on facebook
3. dress it in old-timey clothes and have it stand in the background of all your photos
First rule of robbing banks is you have to shout, “THIS IS A ROBBERY!” Otherwise they might think it’s a baptism.
you’re not really anticapitalist bro i remember that lemonade stand
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
My GPS just made a mistake and the voice said “sorry about that” and then it switched to a different persons voice for the rest of the trip??? Did…the robot…get fired??
A master’s degree gives you the ability to speak with withering authority about why you didn’t finish your Ph.D.
Me: Did you use the elevator?
Friend: I took the stairs.
Random Dad: DID YOU PUT THEM BACK?
putting lotion on isn’t making your skin any less dry because you’re only addressing a symptom and not the source of the problem. You gotta drink that shit
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
I paid a mime good money for a box and now I can’t find it.
[first date]
HER: I love a man who likes to get a little crazy.
ME: *trying to impress* I’m a psychopath.
WAITER: Would you like some more bread?
SWORD SWALLOWER: No, but could you get me another butter knife please.
I’ll be so happy when 2020 is over in a few years
So when two guys get super friendly it’s bromantic, but what about two girls? Can we make homantic a thing? Or ‘gina buddies or something?
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
I had a fountain drink at the mall today. All those pennies make the water taste terrible.
*gleefully prepares egg salad sandwiches for milestone birthday party of office nemesis*
God: You’re going to Earth to live as a human
Jesus: Can I drink?
God: Yes
Jesus: Can I get married and have kids?
God: No
Jesus: Can I have a man cave?
God: Eventually *winks at angel*