Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
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Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
If you ask me to give you a ride anywhere on less than 2 hours notice, you’re gonna be sitting in a pile of empty soda bottles and chip bags.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
Single: Knows all the bars in a 10 mile radius.
Married: Knows all the restaurants in a 10 mile radius.
As a parent: Knows all the bouncy places in a 10 mile radius.
I love crunchy peanut butter because one day someone just did a half @$$ed job and convinced people it was on purpose
Desperate, I pull a goose from my bag and throw it screaming into the bully’s face. Gertrude, my biggest and angriest goose, destroys him.
ghost me: baaaaaa
guy: are you saying baa instead of boo
ghost me: look i just died yesterday ok please don’t stress me out
Well it’s now clear to me that this crime scene would be considered, what? Pants required? Pants preferred?
Hey, is that guy dead?
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month
One time I found $100 bill in the IKEA parking lot…I then went inside and spent $447. Well played, IKEA.
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
if I’m ever feeling lonely and I need someone to talk to me, I just announce to my spouse or kids that I’m about to take a nap
Me: Look, it’s malfunctioning. You’ll have to trust me on this.
Tech support: Ma’am, this is a kid.
*wanders around an office I don’t work at because someone held the door open for me when I was walking by and I didn’t want to be rude*
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
OPTICIAN: Do you wear contacts?
ME: *showing my cell phone* No, I keep them on here.
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
DAD: Look at this mess! Are you trying to attract ants?
ME: [bench pressing 10x my weight] Did they say something?
Kid: WAAAHH! MY TOY IS BROKEN!!
Dad: Nothing a little duct tape won’t fix…
Kid: mfflr..frrrr..strnnn
Me, looking at Met Gala outfits: But how do they go to the bathroom in that?
Telling my daughter garlic is good for you. Good immune system and keeps pests away.Ticks, mosquitos, vampires… men.
jesus: and take this foot, for it is my lasagna
peter: ok let’s get you home
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Most people will give you their jacket if you’re naked and tell them you come from the future.
[working at a candle factory, day four]
ME: we’re all gonna have another meltdown amirite wait where is everyone going
At some point, every cult leader says, “Okay, I talked to god and he wants me to have sex with your wives.” Every single one.
In the near future, little old ladies won’t know how to sew, knit, or quilt, but they’ll take awesome self-pics in bathroom mirrors.