Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
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Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
My autistic son just referred to my pellet grill as an outside oven.
I’m proud of him and incredibly insulted at the same time.
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Adrenaline Junky:
*Almost falls to certain death*
WHAT A RUSH!!Me:
*Almost drops grilled cheese sandwich*
SAMESIES!!
jared leto has done irreparable damage to the vampire community
Wife: I want a divorce because your enthusiasm’s turned into bitter sarcasm
Tony the Tiger: great
there’s no attractive way to chase a ping pong ball
My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
I, for one, understand ingrown hairs. I too have seen the world and would like to go back to where I came from
doctor: *flipping through x-rays* all of them are blurry
bigfoot: weird
Me: (throwing up in toilet)
6: (pulls my hair out of my face)
Me: *aw she cares about me*
6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
In my next life I’m coming back with money and good looks. This great personality shit is not working.
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
Psychic: Which of you wants the reading, you or your ex-wife?
Me: She’s my current wife.
Wife: [to psychic] Oh, you’re good.
I’m not saying he ate the candy canes off the bottom of the Christmas tree I’m just saying my dog’s breath was minty fresh this morning.
cop: we’re investigating the disappearance of your neighbor
me: i don’t know where dave is
cop: how did you know it was dave
[ups guy walks up] got an order for a human sized hamster wheel
When a child loses a tooth, some parents put a dollar under their pillow. Other parents leave a book called, “Your Disintegrating Body.”
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
I use a wheelchair. When I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my biggest weakness is, I want to say “Leg day at the gym.”
[seaworld]
“Hey what happened to the new guy?”
-He tried to have sex with
the dolphin in tank 6“But there’s a shark in tan..”
-BINGO!
Me: Are these garbage bags of yours super strong?
Clark Kent: What? No just regular strong ones here haha nothing super about ‘em *nervously adjusts glasses*
And then the devil said, “leave her on read.”
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
I’m into the “girl next door” type. Until the restraining order takes effect and I have to move.
Then I’m into the “cute, angry girl that’s always 50ft away from me” type.
good for her
The worst thing about coming home from a trip isn’t unpacking, it’s the looming threat of nuclear war