Getting money from “the Tooth Fairy” is a gateway drug to organ trafficking.
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The Epstein client list but to the tune of Mambo number 5.
People often argue the great realism painters of our day and somehow leave out Wile E. Coyote, and his tunnel on rock phase.
goals for 2020:
-read more books
-read more books about birds
-learn bird language
-respectfully ask bird that kidnapped my girlfriend to give her back
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
Me: have a great eye for detail
Also me: couldn’t tell when they changed doctors on Dr. Who
[Zoom Meeting]
Boss: Please take your mask off we can barely hear you.
Me, *Hasn’t shaved in three days because of masks*: I’ll talk louder.
Officer – Do you know how fast you were going?
*Looks up from phone*
No idea
SON: I was awarded the Leslie Nielsen badge at school
ME: What’s that?
SON: A big building with lots of kids
Making a list of all the people who wrote “Happy Birthday” on my wall without an exclamation point so that I know who’s secretly mad at me.
*spins in circles*
*dies*
*gets stuck in corner*
*dies*
*spins in circle*
*dies*
[Me playing Call of Duty with my son]
AMBER: Can you put a candle in my husband’s burger?
WAITRESS: Aww, of course. Is it his birthday?
AMBER: No, I just want to see him eat a candle.
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
A fun thing about parenthood is that even when you get to close the bathroom door you’re never really alone
5 ways to appear taller
them: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i don’t make long-term plans in case of the rapture
I see Paris, I see France, I got a great new pair of binoculars from an overpriced sporting goods store today
13-year-old: I have to stay up late. I have homework.
Me: What were you doing earlier?
13: Resting so I could stay up late.
If you think a dragon is going to solve all your problems you’re probably right.
Replace his deodorant with a glue stick so he thinks of you every time he tries to raise his arm to put around the shoulders of another girl
I just accidentally dropped a bit of sausage on the floor and the dog immediately swooped in and hoovered it up, which amazed me because I had no idea she knew how to operate it.
Someone told me they got a futon instead of a couch/chair because they wanted their furniture to be versatile.
You can use it for sitting AND lying down?
That’s cool, bro.
My chair can be used for sitting and lion taming.
House is a mess … Walked in the other day and there were 2 people on the couch blindfolded and filming a Fabreeze commercial
My neighbour won’t make eye contact with me ever since I mistook her for my Uber when she stopped at the mailbox in front of my house
(sitting in back seat, locking eyes with the kid in the child seat) “Huh. I didn’t know drivers could bring their kids”
okay run it by me one more time
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
when I die I want to go to heaven to see my grandpa, but only if he’s learned to keep his bathrobe tied
If watermelon exist why doesn’t earthmelon,firemelon and airmelon? The elemelons.
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way